Close your eyes and feel the rain

I just took the most amazing walk at city park.

In between the police sirens, chainsaws and planes flying over head I allowed myself to get lost in a whole other world. I got about 1/2 mile into the walk when it started to rain and my tedious bothersome exercise became a peaceful relaxing journey full of life and beauty. I slowed my pace to a stroll and really started to take in my surroundings. The hypnotizing sound of the rain splashing on the leafs. The wonderfully intoxicating aroma of the wild flowers growing on either side of the path. The abundant life growing from a ground full of leaves of seasons passed and fallen branches. I saw two perfectly curved vines intertwined to form the shape of an eye creating the perfect frame for the trees and water beyond.

From the young fragile saplings to the towering sturdy trees providing temporary coverage from the rain, I took everything in. I saw art. I saw beauty. I felt tranquility. I closed my eyes and looked to the sky as I walked and felt the rain hit my face. I smiled.

The rain continues as I sit here on the wet grass under the low lying coverage of a tree. Lillie is exploring the field in front of me. Bright yellow buttercups grow to my right. I don't want to to leave. But alas, I have lasagna waiting at my moms house.

No One Likes Detours

Well, it's been almost a month since my last entry. (Unless you count my awful anti-love rant that has since been removed. Sorry folks, it was a bad week. haha) I have a ton of stuff I could write about, but I'm sure no one wants to read a novel about my July activities so I'll just give a quick recap, more for the future me then anything else.
(There is a quality entry after all these pictures, skip ahead if you'd like)

I had people over for the 4th of July. It was fun.

I had fresh bruschetta and watermelon martinis with mom one day.

I went to Mystic Aquarium with a couple friends. It was a really fun summer day trip. After Mystic we grabbed food in Narragansett, drove around enjoying the beautiful weather and finished the night at Fat Belly's in Warwick where I enjoyed a delicious Strawberry Milkshake Martini! Yum!

There was a crazy storm one afternoon and a large portion of one of my trees broke and fell into the street. Fortunately it didn't damage anything. And since it was blocking the street the city came and took care of it for me :)

Lillie and I hid in my room...

 

Last weekend I went to a friend's bridal shower. The theme was vintage tea party and I went all out getting dressed up. I curled my hair, applied vintage makeup and bought a dress. I'd like to practice my vintage look and maybe do it more often. Unfortunately the baby blue contacts I wore that day I can't wear anymore. I had bought them along with purple and green pairs online and one of them did some nice damage to my eyes and one even got infected. So...no more awesome colored eyes for me :(

Her mom did a wonderful job with everything. The table looked beautiful and she went to antique stores to get all the tea sets she used for the table and as favors. I LOVE the one with the yellow flowers!

 

And finally, step two of the beer brewing process (bottling) is complete! We chose the name Spontaneous Bierleichen (German for "beer corpse") since it's an Oktoberfest, we spontaneously decided to brew it and if you drink too much you'll become a beer corpse! (I guess...?)  Honestly, I probably won't even like the beer. I'm not a big fan of Oktoberfest. But it was still fun to be part of the brewing process.

Summer Vacation 2012

Well, the rest of my vacation was even more fabulous then the beginning of it. I was able to shift my thinking and priorities and get myself out of that little mental rut I was in. I cooked, spent time outside, played games, saw friends and just relaxed. I really needed this break from work and I went back in Saturday with a positive attitude.

I find it amusing that on my vacation from the kitchen I was most excited to cook. I guess food and cooking is a bigger passion for me then I like to admit. First I was craving meatballs, so I found a recipe for Italian Turkey Meatballs and made them at like 9pm on Monday night. I wasn't even hungry by the time they were done, but they came out delicious. I definitely couldn't tell they were turkey.

My next cooking project was Chocolate Mint Bars. It was a two day process (mostly because I started at like 8 at night), and mine didn't come out like the picture on the website but they sure were yummy! Though I'm not sure how healthy they really were despite coming from the Cooking Light website. The base of the bar was a cake type mix made from scratch. Once that was baked and cooled the mint layer was added, then a glaze (butter and chocolate...where's the light part of this?). I still have some, I should probably throw them away but come on now. There are starving children in Africa!! (That's good justification right?)

The next morning I made myself a brunch fit for a queen! (I woke up too late for breakfast) I'm a huge fan of quiche but it is NOT a healthy dish. If you're not familiar with it, it's basically a 1/2 egg, 1/2 cream omelet inside a pie crust. Delicious, but not figure friendly. So I found a recipe for Caramelized Onion, Spinach and Feta Quiche. It uses bread stick dough instead of pie crust (I just can't get into the whole crustless quiche thing. It just isn't the same), skim milk instead of cream and substituted egg whites for a couple of the eggs. It was really good for being a "light" version. I ate it all week! (Well I ate all these things all week. What else was I supposed to do with it?)

All these recipes were great, but the one I was looking forward to from the moment I saw it was Oven "Fried" Pickles with Skinny Herb Buttermilk Ranch Dip. I'm sorry to say I was pretty disappointed in them. The dip was amazing, but the pickles were only so-so. The first batch of breading was ridiculously salty (probably our mistake, not the recipes), and while the second batch was better, they still weren't that great. They were nice and crispy which can be hard to do with mock fried items, and we still ate most of them but they just didn't live up to the hype I had created about them.

So even with a week full of all this yummy food, not counting calories and not exercising I still somehow managed to lose 1 pound during my vacation week. I think the key was that since I wasn't around food like I am at work it was on my mind less and therefore I ate less. At the end of the week I went shopping for some dresses and jeans at TJ Maxx. I was so excited when I realized I can wear an XL dress and 16 jeans now! That mean's I no longer have to shop in the plus size departments/stores! Anyone who has ever been where I am knows how much of a big deal that is. Size is just a number, but not having to shop in the "fat girls" section anymore is AWESOME!

So after that little victory I decided to try on this little black dress that has been hanging in my room as motivation for months. I had bought it off eBay years ago and it never fit since apparently Japanese sizes are WAY different then American sizes (makes sense in hindsight). I zipped it up, and it fit perfectly. I was so happy I cried. I literally welled up with tears and cried while I was looking at myself in the mirror. I can't believe after all these years of hanging in my closet or from my curtain rod I can finally wear this dress. I can't wait to have somewhere to wear it!

The rest of my week included a nice day at Colt State Park, mini golf, smoking hookah, playing Arkham Horror with a group of dorks (love you guys!), and breakfast and a day by the pool with a friend I hadn't seen in years. It was great to catch up and try to remend a friendship I had destroyed by being distant and too caught up in my relationship at the time to keep the friendship going.

I finished the week off on Friday with girls night! We went to Centro Martini for drinks and appetizers then went to see Magic Mike. The food and martinis were awesome but the movie, not so much. I know the main objective of the movie was to attract horny swooning ladies by getting a bunch of hotties to dance around on stage. And that part of the movie was great, but the story line sucked and the dancing got old after the first 30 minutes or so. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching Channing Tatum thrusting and gyrating on the big screen but it was not worth the price of a movie ticket.

Saturday I got to watch 2 local singer songwritters perform in a friends back yard. It was a gorgeous night and the music was great. Yesterday I got to take part in the first step of the beer brewing process. Luckily the guy I was helping knew what he was doing because it was pretty involved. I'm excited to see what the finished product is going to be! It makes me want to make my own wine or something now.

So yea, that was a lot of stuff to squeeze into one entry, but I just couldn't get myself to stop living life long enough to sit down and type until now! And now I have a crap load of chores to catch up on since I slacked all week. But that's what vacations are for!

Summertime and the Living's Easy

Camping was fun!

We went to Burrlingame in Charlestown, RI. A place I've spend MANY weekends drinking illegally around a camp fire. I actually enjoyed the veggie dogs I brought (though they definitely didn't taste like hot dogs) and resisted bacon cheeseburgers and bacon pizza! I did however have a giant pixie stick (talk about a sugar rush) and a Looney Toons push up ice cream thing (2012's version of the Flintstones push up ice cream. Remember those?! My favorite as a kid!) But everyone knows being the woods make you burn more calories, right?

The first day we just hung around and set up camp. It was too hot to do much else. I gave Lillie a pig's ear and she decided to bury it in the leaves with her nose. Too cute.

Saturday involved Allison and I ambushing the boys with water guns filled with ice cold cooler water (they didn't care as much as we had hoped),

Packin' heat!

 tie dyeing clothing (and my hands. And legs. And feet... Oops.),

Everyone's shirts

My shirt!

My hand

kayaking, and an awesome game involving throwing two balls on a string at a stand with three horizontal poles at different heights. (I can't remember the name to save my life. Something with the word golf in it? But it was really fun!) When we went kayaking we went down this cool little river hidden in the back of the Watchaug Pond behind a bunch of tall grass. It was narrow and winding. We were surrounded by various types of vegetation towering over our heads and beautiful water lilies in full bloom. It was awesome!

When we got back to land I decided to see if Lillie would go into the water. She's been to the beach with me before but had never shown much interest. So I walked her into the water with me and she went for it! As soon as she couldn't reach the ground anymore her doggy instincts kicked right in and she started to swim! (I was such a proud mommy!) Then she immediately turned around with her eyes bugging out of her head and a look of pure terror on her face. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen! I really wish I had a camera! That sounds mean but she was happy as a clam (where does that expression come from?) once she could touch the ground again. Anyone would be terrified their first time swimming! Between that and two walks that day she was one tired pup by the end of the day!

Lillie's passed the F out!

It was great to get away and clear my mind and I'm so glad Lillie was so well behaved and really seemed to love it. Of course as soon as I came home my head almost immediately became clouded with the same crazy negative thoughts and feelings I'd been hoping a few days away would rid me of. If only it were that easy. I don't like what I have become lately. Insecure, needy, negative and lonely. I hate that I let one person determine my own sense of self worth. I thought I was past that. I carry on as I always do, living my life, but my mind hasn't been a healthy place. I think some time in seclusion is needed.

Anyway! Lillie and I both cruised home in desperate need of a bath and shower with the windows down and the radio up. It was a beautiful weekend to be outside!

I may not look happy but I was just trying not to crash. Hah

From Foxwoods into the Woods!

Well, it's been a while...

Since my last post I reached my half way goal of losing 50lbs, then gained 2lbs back while at Foxwoods...
I started a 6 week work out program using my Biggest Loser DVD and stopped after day 2... (I'm going to start again Monday! I swear!)
And now I'm getting ready to go camping for the weekend and am determined to do better then I did at Foxwoods...

(I say this as I am drinking a 7.5% Alc/Vol craft beer called "Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale". My first of 6 craft beers I splurged and got as part of a Mix-a-6 to kick off my vacation in styyllle! It's yummy!)

Yay vacation beer!

So, lets talk about Foxwoods. I had every intent of sticking to a healthy eating routine as much as possible while there. I stayed up late the night before and made whole wheat blueberry muffins made with Stevia! I figured those could be my breakfast in the mornings so at least I know ONE meal would be healthy. Well, they tasted like SHIT. So I brought muffins from work, which have about 1200 calories in them. (I may be exaggerating a little, but I do know they have at least 50 grams of fat! Think of that next time you grab a muffin at the grocery store or bakery!!)

I also brought some healthy snacks, which I actually did eat, so that was good. But other then that I drank my face off enjoying martinis, bloody Marys, beer, and screwdrivers, ate fried calamari and even had a bacon grilled cheese with fries. (The 11am screwdrivers and bloody Marys made me do that one). Oh and I also ordered a slice of RED VELVET CHEESECAKE from Juniors. OMG! I don't care if that alone made me gain 3lbs, it was totally worth it! Quite possibly the best dessert I've ever eaten!

View of the pool from my hotel room

Pool and awesome VIP area I couldn't sit in!

 All that aside it was a wonderful trip. I enjoyed some yummy Asian cuisine on Sunday night, spent the day at the pool on Monday (where I learned 3 applications of SPF 45 sunscreen STILL isn't enough for my Casper complexion) then had an amazing experience at the Norwich Spa at Foxwoods. They give you a locker and key where you can keep all your belongings and supply you with a robe and slippers. You have access to a sauna, hot tub, pool, showers and everything you'd need to get ready after a day of pampering. I started with a 50 minute Swedish massage, followed by a 25 minute express facial and then an express pedicure. I was so relaxed and rejuvenated when I left! That was my reward to myself for losing 50lbs. It's the best gift I've ever given myself! I highly recommend that spa if you are ever staying there! (I get offered free nights at Foxwoods pretty frequently. If anyone ever wants to go for a spa/girls trip, I'm down!)

Ready for dinner after the spa!

oops..

 So, what do I plan to do differently when I go camping this weekend? For one I have complete control over what I eat and drink since I'm the one packing my supplies. I bought Portabello Mushroom Garden Burgers which I plan to put tomato sauce and provolone cheese on (I don't want to feel deprived, but make better decisions), veggie dogs (I'm a little scared to try those!), turkey bacon instead of regular for breakfast, light wheat buns, I'm going to make my healthy greek pasta salad, bring baked chips and to drink (besides lots of water since it's supposed to be in the 80s and 90s. Boo!) I'm making Crystal Light Lemonade to drink with Sweat Tea Vodka. That way I avoid extra calories by using a sugary mixer. Hopefully I won't get weak and chow down on a bacon cheeseburger or something... I'll let you know how all of that goes when I get back.

For now I have to start packing and cooking and making lemonade for tomorrow. I'm excited to get to go kayaking again! So much to do! At least this fancy craft beer and The Beatles will make it a little more interesting. And I don't have to go back to work until next Friday! Woooo-fucking-who!

Almost Halfway There!

I had a great weight loss week! Down 3lbs! I'm so glad I'm back on track again. I'm 2lbs below my weight at the end of the biggest loser, and I'm only 2lbs away from my half way mark! I can definitely reach that by next Friday. I didn't stay within my calories every day, but I did exercise 5 out of 7 days and I think that's been the key. I am always going to struggle with food, but if I can get myself to exercise more, that will be a huge help. I'll be burning more calories and when I feel better I want to eat better. Somehow macaroni and cheese doesn't sound very appetizing (I never thought I would say those words!) after a hard work out. It also felt great to be sore for a few days. Not so sore I couldn't move, but enough that I knew I was doing things right.

Attention: Woman sensitive information. Men, read at your own risk..

I don't know about all you ladies out there but every month I get horrible back cramps with my period. They only last a day or so but I haven't been able to find anything that takes the pain away. But this month, after exercising almost all week before it started, I had NO cramping at all! Not in my abdomen or back. Now in the past my exercise has been doing cardio on the elliptical and some weight machines but lately I've been doing strengthening and sculpting classes, zumba, yoga...and for some reason it prevented any uncomfortable days come my period. (well besides being over emotional and needing chocolate. but hey, one thing at a time) I was shocked! So there yet another reason to get moving!

 

Right now...I really want a cupcake. A big sweet delicious cupcake with a yummy surprise filling baked fresh from a local bakery, preferably from Sweet Indulgence. I bought one of their red velvet cupcakes at the women's expo...OMG it was heaven in a cute little box. I wonder what time they open... 

(great weight loss blog, Stacy...)

On a different topic, I was finally brain washed by all the radio commercials for Ovation Cell Therapy and ordered the hair care system. I just got it in the mail yesterday and used it last night. I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

Today my plan is to take Lillie for a walk down to the water, build a fire pit in my backyard and do some grilling and beer drinking. Hooray for days off!

Exploration & Acceptance

Well, I finally made it to a yoga class. It's something I've been talking about doing for years. There weren't many people in the class, and it was obvious they'd all been doing yoga for a while, so I was slightly intimidated. Also, the yoga class came immediately after "Total Body Melt" (also my first time taking the class) which was a strengthening and sculpting class so my legs were shaking before yoga even started. But I did my best. It was harder then I thought it would be. I have a lot to learn as far as poses and proper form go and I had to modify a lot of the position but over all I don't think I did so bad. I really need to build up my core strength as that seems to be where I had the most difficulty but I was surprised at how flexible I was compared to some of the more experienced yoga goers. Although I have a lot of room for improvement in both classes I was genuinely surprised I did as well as I did in both and I plan on going back to those classes and continuing to try new ones until I find my favorites.

Since I took that one kickboxing class I've been wanted to try everything! I was always so afraid to take classes because I didn't want people to judge me for being over weight and out of shape. Now I feel even if they are judging me, I don't give a fuck. This is my journey of self discovery and growth and if you're such a miserable person you need to judge others to feel better about yourself then I feel sorry for you. So there!

Also since that kickboxing class I've been motivated to stay on track with my eating and exercise. (hooray!!) I've back to religiously tracking my calories with my handy My Fitness Pal app (even if I go over, the key is to be aware of what I am putting into my body) and redrew the chart I used to have on the dry erase board on my fridge. With it I check off and track the following daily:

• Morning Stretch
• Evening Stretch
• Within Calories
• # Alcoholic Beverages (goal is 0 or minimal on nights out)
• Time Spent Exercising (30 minutes a day is ideal)

They are small manageable goals and a way to remind myself to do them every time I walk by or open my fridge. Sometimes I think, "Oh yea! I forgot to stretch!", or it will get my butt out the door to take Lillie for a walk, or make me rethink what my snack may be. I need constant reminders and motivation to keep myself on track. When I'm doing well it feels great to look at the chart and see how well I've been doing. And when I'm not doing well it'll get me to try harder. Like, "Alright, I haven't exercised in 3 days, I have to AT LEAST do a little something." It's also where I keep track of how much weight I've lost and draw myself little smiley faces or write notes to keep my spirits up on a down day. It's funny how a little thing like a dry erase board can make such a big difference.

I wish I had written about this when I originally thought about it because now I can't remember what it was in reference to but from time to time something happens and I think about how the same situation may have effected me last year. It amazes me to think of how completely different my frame of mind is. Everything was so over whelming, I was so fragile and insecure the most innocent comment would send me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts ending in endless tears. I know I've said this before but I can't believe I'd lived SO long this way! I think to myself all the time, is THIS what it feels like to be a normal happy person? 

At the end of the yoga class today the instructor read a passage about being disconnected with ourselves. I wish I remembered it better, or knew what she was reading from but the main message was this,  

The disconnection we feel with our inner selves causes us sadness and loneliness and causes us to try find happiness outside of our selves. We look for relationships that will complete us, make us whole and that will never truly work. But once we discover who we really are and are able to reconnect with that person, happiness will follow, no matter what the outside circumstances may be. 

It's so true. I know myself better now then I ever have, and it makes life so much easier when I am secure and content with who I am. Am I entirely happy with all aspects of my life? No. Am I happy and confident 100% of the time? No. Do I have personal things to work on? Yes. But at the end of the day I AM happy with who I am and have faith that everything that happens in life teaches me something and in the end everything is going to work out the way it was meant to.

That's my piece for the day. I'm going to spend the rest of this chilly rainy day wearing sweatpants, watching One For the Money and reading Catching Fire. Life is good.