Clothes Make the Woman

It was time for some new clothes...

 I had one pair of jeans, a few dresses, 3 tank tops and one cardigan that fit me properly. The rest of my clothes I would wear even though they didn't fit me right, or I would try them on over and over hoping maybe THIS time they would look cute and I could wear them. (It never happened) So I grabbed a friend and headed to Torrid and Old Navy and had a lot of luck in both places!

Torrid is a trendy young plus size store which I really didn't want to have to shop in out of principle, but I was the smallest size there so that felt great. The trouble with most plus size stores/departments is that the clothes are usually modified to fit a larger person (obviously). Elastic wastes, faux jeans, longer sleeves on t shirts, and all the tops seemed to be way longer then average sized clothes. It makes it difficult to be stylish without compromise unless you're like 50 years old. (Being able to wear whatever you want? What does that mean?) Torrid however is pretty awesome.

Anyway...I've always wanted to wear skinny jeans and they just looked awful on me, (my legs would resemble an ice cream cone) but not anymore! I fit in a size smaller then I thought I would, got to buy the style I really wanted and looked awesome in almost everything I tried on! (except gray. I look awful in gray) I think I mentioned this in an earlier entry but it again shocked me how much better I look in clothes that actually fit me instead of loose jeans and over sized shirts. Imagine that.

I could have easily spent over $1000! It's a totally new experience for me to look good in just about everything I tried on. I'm so used to getting excited if ANYTHING looked decent on me I'd just get it regardless if I was in love with it or not. I had to use restraint though because I don't plan to stay this size for more then a couple months and I don't want to waste my money. Now I need to go through my closet and drawers and get rid of all the frumpy, over sized and scrubby clothes I'm hanging on to for no reason.

For as long as I can remember if I don't have plans to go out for a specific reason I tend to dress in crappy old clothes or jeans and a baggy t shirt because I figure, who do I need to impress? Don't get me wrong I love my yoga pants and over sized Star Wars t shirt but I'm going to start dressing cute just for me. Going to the grocery store? Hell yea I'll put on my skinny jeans and off the shoulder shear white shirt with cute flats and feather earrings! Just got home from work? Hello boot cut denim and cute birdcage graphic t! It's time to start fresh! Slowly build a new wardrobe, a new style and a new me. I'm done wearing clothes I'm not in love with just because they fit. F that! Also...I want cowgirl boots...

So here's to clothes shopping being fun, motivational and ego boosting! I never thought I'd see the day! Hooray!

I'm a liar

Well, I still haven't started my 30 day test...

(I'm glad I didn't spend the money on one of those programs!)

I keep breaking promises to myself. I need to stop it. Sunday morning I typed out a long entry about how I'm not drinking any alcohol until my birthday and I'm cutting soda (diet and regular) and energy drinks out of my diet. Then ranted about how the food industry and pharmaceutical companies are involved in a conspiracy to feed us addicting chemical filled food that make us unhealthy then make a profit from the medications we have to take as a result of an unhealthy diet. (It was based on nothing) That afternoon I drank soda. And last night I had alcohol. I deleted the draft without publishing it...

This morning I went to the market (I've always hated it when people called the grocery store the market, but it seems fitting here) and bought some healthy produce while wearing my yoga pants inside out. That will teach me to get dressed without putting my glasses on.

I don't know what else to say. I just promised to blog more regularly so I'm trying. That's all I can do is keep trying.

30 Day Test

This morning I woke up to a comment on my last blog entry which read,

Hi there! I'm a new follower and have found your posts real and inspiring. Please come out of hiding! 

So here I am! (Thanks for the push)

For the last few days I've been toying with the idea of buying a 90 day in home work out program. There are quite a few options out there;

• p90x (too extreme for my current fitness level) 
• Insanity (even more extreme!)
• Power90 (p90x's predecessor which one description called "p90x for beginners")
• Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (a friend has this and really likes it. Especially because the work outs are only 30 minutes compared to an hour for p90x)

I narrowed it down to Power90 and Body Revolution because I need a workout I can manage or I won't stick to it. Power90 is less expensive, but Body Revolution also comes with a ton of nutrition information including a 7 day kick start diet and diet guidelines and recipes to follow for the entire 90 days. Now I know the two go hand in hand but it seems to me that Power90 (as well as the others) are more geared towards getting in shape, getting ripped and trimmed while Body Revolution also focuses on weight loss and healthy eating habits.

So after a day of research I was ready to buy Body Revolution, then I stop and made myself look at this realistically. I say to myself, "Ok Stacy, can you really commit to doing this? If you order this $120 package of DVDs and books is it going to be like all the other workout programs (couch to 5k, biggest loser DVD 6 week program...) you have started and given up on? Are you actually going to stick to this or will you start finding excuses not to do it?" (Yea I talk to myself, wanna fight about it?)

Knowing my history I couldn't make such a large purchase with a clear conscious. You may argue "Well if you spend that kind of money on it it will make you want to use it!" Which sounds good in theory but once the order is placed and I get the product I kind of forget what the cost was and only feel mildly guilty for letting the money go to waste. I already have a gym membership I pay for every month and never use. My credit card just gets billed everyone month and I only think about it when I drive by the gym and try to avoid it's judging glances. (I plan on canceling that in another 9 days. I had to wait for my contract to expire)

So here is my plan. I am going to put myself on a 30 day challenge. I am going to use a workout DVD I already have (staying away from the biggest loser. WAY too many lunges) or pick a cheap one up at Job Lot and start counting calories religiously again. It will be a test for myself. If I can stick to a 30 day program then I know I will be able to stick to a 90 day program. I'm sure whatever I come up with won't be nearly as rigorous or strict at the Body Revolution program but it's mostly just to prove to myself that I can make the commitment.

Once I come up with a more exact plan I will update you with what that plan will be. And after the 30 days I will decide if I want to purchase a 90 day program or not. I also plan to use this blog as a tool to keep me in check.

So here I am! I am coming out of hiding! It seems I've chosen a path, or at least a direction to head in. Now it's time to take my dog and go for a hike on this beautiful day!

Sulking at the Crossroads

It makes me sad to admit this, but for most of the week I have been happiest at work. I'm forced to interact and joke around with people (like it's such a chore to be silly?) and it keeps my mind off of things. On the other hand I have also been very distracted at work by the same thoughts I'm trying to keep my mind off of and have had to make a conscious effort to hold back tears because if anyone were to ask me what was wrong I think I would lose it...

Why am I stuck on such a roller coaster of emotions lately? Strapped in and nauseous begging to be let off and denied by some unseen amusement park attendant. Is it because I'm always trying to talk myself out of feeling certain ways? To reason with myself, distract myself, even lie to myself so I don't have to face sadness? I've become a pro at lying to myself.

Why is there always such a battle between my heart and my mind? Why can't they live in peace? My heart knows what it wants, and my mind is always trying to convince it other wise whether out of protection because my mind knows I can't have what my heart so desperately wants or just to make daily life a little easier. But no matter how clever my mind can be my heart always knows the truth and ends up resenting my mind for trying to convince it otherwise.

I try to be so strong. I think I probably come across strong. But I'm weak. Fragile and weak. We all are I suppose. I wish I could find strength and peace within myself. I don't want to feel how I feel, or think how I think. I want to be carefree. Carefree...to not care. AT ALL. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you didn't care?

One minute I want to rewind time and change decisions I've made. The next I try to tell myself to look at the past fondly. To learn from my mistakes but smile at the memories. I can't do either. I want to fast forward to a place of contentment, whatever path it takes to get my there. But I can't do that either. Regardless I need to chose a path, any path, and follow it instead sitting in the crossroads with my knees pulled to my chest sulking, wishing things were different. No one likes a cry baby.

MAN UP STACY!

Oh yea, on a more positive note I stayed on track with my diet this week and lost 2lbs :) Only 2.3 more to go and I've reached my next goal! I got this!

Close your eyes and feel the rain

I just took the most amazing walk at city park.

In between the police sirens, chainsaws and planes flying over head I allowed myself to get lost in a whole other world. I got about 1/2 mile into the walk when it started to rain and my tedious bothersome exercise became a peaceful relaxing journey full of life and beauty. I slowed my pace to a stroll and really started to take in my surroundings. The hypnotizing sound of the rain splashing on the leafs. The wonderfully intoxicating aroma of the wild flowers growing on either side of the path. The abundant life growing from a ground full of leaves of seasons passed and fallen branches. I saw two perfectly curved vines intertwined to form the shape of an eye creating the perfect frame for the trees and water beyond.

From the young fragile saplings to the towering sturdy trees providing temporary coverage from the rain, I took everything in. I saw art. I saw beauty. I felt tranquility. I closed my eyes and looked to the sky as I walked and felt the rain hit my face. I smiled.

The rain continues as I sit here on the wet grass under the low lying coverage of a tree. Lillie is exploring the field in front of me. Bright yellow buttercups grow to my right. I don't want to to leave. But alas, I have lasagna waiting at my moms house.

No One Likes Detours

Well, it's been almost a month since my last entry. (Unless you count my awful anti-love rant that has since been removed. Sorry folks, it was a bad week. haha) I have a ton of stuff I could write about, but I'm sure no one wants to read a novel about my July activities so I'll just give a quick recap, more for the future me then anything else.
(There is a quality entry after all these pictures, skip ahead if you'd like)

I had people over for the 4th of July. It was fun.

I had fresh bruschetta and watermelon martinis with mom one day.

I went to Mystic Aquarium with a couple friends. It was a really fun summer day trip. After Mystic we grabbed food in Narragansett, drove around enjoying the beautiful weather and finished the night at Fat Belly's in Warwick where I enjoyed a delicious Strawberry Milkshake Martini! Yum!

There was a crazy storm one afternoon and a large portion of one of my trees broke and fell into the street. Fortunately it didn't damage anything. And since it was blocking the street the city came and took care of it for me :)

Lillie and I hid in my room...

 

Last weekend I went to a friend's bridal shower. The theme was vintage tea party and I went all out getting dressed up. I curled my hair, applied vintage makeup and bought a dress. I'd like to practice my vintage look and maybe do it more often. Unfortunately the baby blue contacts I wore that day I can't wear anymore. I had bought them along with purple and green pairs online and one of them did some nice damage to my eyes and one even got infected. So...no more awesome colored eyes for me :(

Her mom did a wonderful job with everything. The table looked beautiful and she went to antique stores to get all the tea sets she used for the table and as favors. I LOVE the one with the yellow flowers!

 

And finally, step two of the beer brewing process (bottling) is complete! We chose the name Spontaneous Bierleichen (German for "beer corpse") since it's an Oktoberfest, we spontaneously decided to brew it and if you drink too much you'll become a beer corpse! (I guess...?)  Honestly, I probably won't even like the beer. I'm not a big fan of Oktoberfest. But it was still fun to be part of the brewing process.

Summer Vacation 2012

Well, the rest of my vacation was even more fabulous then the beginning of it. I was able to shift my thinking and priorities and get myself out of that little mental rut I was in. I cooked, spent time outside, played games, saw friends and just relaxed. I really needed this break from work and I went back in Saturday with a positive attitude.

I find it amusing that on my vacation from the kitchen I was most excited to cook. I guess food and cooking is a bigger passion for me then I like to admit. First I was craving meatballs, so I found a recipe for Italian Turkey Meatballs and made them at like 9pm on Monday night. I wasn't even hungry by the time they were done, but they came out delicious. I definitely couldn't tell they were turkey.

My next cooking project was Chocolate Mint Bars. It was a two day process (mostly because I started at like 8 at night), and mine didn't come out like the picture on the website but they sure were yummy! Though I'm not sure how healthy they really were despite coming from the Cooking Light website. The base of the bar was a cake type mix made from scratch. Once that was baked and cooled the mint layer was added, then a glaze (butter and chocolate...where's the light part of this?). I still have some, I should probably throw them away but come on now. There are starving children in Africa!! (That's good justification right?)

The next morning I made myself a brunch fit for a queen! (I woke up too late for breakfast) I'm a huge fan of quiche but it is NOT a healthy dish. If you're not familiar with it, it's basically a 1/2 egg, 1/2 cream omelet inside a pie crust. Delicious, but not figure friendly. So I found a recipe for Caramelized Onion, Spinach and Feta Quiche. It uses bread stick dough instead of pie crust (I just can't get into the whole crustless quiche thing. It just isn't the same), skim milk instead of cream and substituted egg whites for a couple of the eggs. It was really good for being a "light" version. I ate it all week! (Well I ate all these things all week. What else was I supposed to do with it?)

All these recipes were great, but the one I was looking forward to from the moment I saw it was Oven "Fried" Pickles with Skinny Herb Buttermilk Ranch Dip. I'm sorry to say I was pretty disappointed in them. The dip was amazing, but the pickles were only so-so. The first batch of breading was ridiculously salty (probably our mistake, not the recipes), and while the second batch was better, they still weren't that great. They were nice and crispy which can be hard to do with mock fried items, and we still ate most of them but they just didn't live up to the hype I had created about them.

So even with a week full of all this yummy food, not counting calories and not exercising I still somehow managed to lose 1 pound during my vacation week. I think the key was that since I wasn't around food like I am at work it was on my mind less and therefore I ate less. At the end of the week I went shopping for some dresses and jeans at TJ Maxx. I was so excited when I realized I can wear an XL dress and 16 jeans now! That mean's I no longer have to shop in the plus size departments/stores! Anyone who has ever been where I am knows how much of a big deal that is. Size is just a number, but not having to shop in the "fat girls" section anymore is AWESOME!

So after that little victory I decided to try on this little black dress that has been hanging in my room as motivation for months. I had bought it off eBay years ago and it never fit since apparently Japanese sizes are WAY different then American sizes (makes sense in hindsight). I zipped it up, and it fit perfectly. I was so happy I cried. I literally welled up with tears and cried while I was looking at myself in the mirror. I can't believe after all these years of hanging in my closet or from my curtain rod I can finally wear this dress. I can't wait to have somewhere to wear it!

The rest of my week included a nice day at Colt State Park, mini golf, smoking hookah, playing Arkham Horror with a group of dorks (love you guys!), and breakfast and a day by the pool with a friend I hadn't seen in years. It was great to catch up and try to remend a friendship I had destroyed by being distant and too caught up in my relationship at the time to keep the friendship going.

I finished the week off on Friday with girls night! We went to Centro Martini for drinks and appetizers then went to see Magic Mike. The food and martinis were awesome but the movie, not so much. I know the main objective of the movie was to attract horny swooning ladies by getting a bunch of hotties to dance around on stage. And that part of the movie was great, but the story line sucked and the dancing got old after the first 30 minutes or so. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching Channing Tatum thrusting and gyrating on the big screen but it was not worth the price of a movie ticket.

Saturday I got to watch 2 local singer songwritters perform in a friends back yard. It was a gorgeous night and the music was great. Yesterday I got to take part in the first step of the beer brewing process. Luckily the guy I was helping knew what he was doing because it was pretty involved. I'm excited to see what the finished product is going to be! It makes me want to make my own wine or something now.

So yea, that was a lot of stuff to squeeze into one entry, but I just couldn't get myself to stop living life long enough to sit down and type until now! And now I have a crap load of chores to catch up on since I slacked all week. But that's what vacations are for!