Clothes Make the Woman

It was time for some new clothes...

 I had one pair of jeans, a few dresses, 3 tank tops and one cardigan that fit me properly. The rest of my clothes I would wear even though they didn't fit me right, or I would try them on over and over hoping maybe THIS time they would look cute and I could wear them. (It never happened) So I grabbed a friend and headed to Torrid and Old Navy and had a lot of luck in both places!

Torrid is a trendy young plus size store which I really didn't want to have to shop in out of principle, but I was the smallest size there so that felt great. The trouble with most plus size stores/departments is that the clothes are usually modified to fit a larger person (obviously). Elastic wastes, faux jeans, longer sleeves on t shirts, and all the tops seemed to be way longer then average sized clothes. It makes it difficult to be stylish without compromise unless you're like 50 years old. (Being able to wear whatever you want? What does that mean?) Torrid however is pretty awesome.

Anyway...I've always wanted to wear skinny jeans and they just looked awful on me, (my legs would resemble an ice cream cone) but not anymore! I fit in a size smaller then I thought I would, got to buy the style I really wanted and looked awesome in almost everything I tried on! (except gray. I look awful in gray) I think I mentioned this in an earlier entry but it again shocked me how much better I look in clothes that actually fit me instead of loose jeans and over sized shirts. Imagine that.

I could have easily spent over $1000! It's a totally new experience for me to look good in just about everything I tried on. I'm so used to getting excited if ANYTHING looked decent on me I'd just get it regardless if I was in love with it or not. I had to use restraint though because I don't plan to stay this size for more then a couple months and I don't want to waste my money. Now I need to go through my closet and drawers and get rid of all the frumpy, over sized and scrubby clothes I'm hanging on to for no reason.

For as long as I can remember if I don't have plans to go out for a specific reason I tend to dress in crappy old clothes or jeans and a baggy t shirt because I figure, who do I need to impress? Don't get me wrong I love my yoga pants and over sized Star Wars t shirt but I'm going to start dressing cute just for me. Going to the grocery store? Hell yea I'll put on my skinny jeans and off the shoulder shear white shirt with cute flats and feather earrings! Just got home from work? Hello boot cut denim and cute birdcage graphic t! It's time to start fresh! Slowly build a new wardrobe, a new style and a new me. I'm done wearing clothes I'm not in love with just because they fit. F that! Also...I want cowgirl boots...

So here's to clothes shopping being fun, motivational and ego boosting! I never thought I'd see the day! Hooray!

I'm a liar

Well, I still haven't started my 30 day test...

(I'm glad I didn't spend the money on one of those programs!)

I keep breaking promises to myself. I need to stop it. Sunday morning I typed out a long entry about how I'm not drinking any alcohol until my birthday and I'm cutting soda (diet and regular) and energy drinks out of my diet. Then ranted about how the food industry and pharmaceutical companies are involved in a conspiracy to feed us addicting chemical filled food that make us unhealthy then make a profit from the medications we have to take as a result of an unhealthy diet. (It was based on nothing) That afternoon I drank soda. And last night I had alcohol. I deleted the draft without publishing it...

This morning I went to the market (I've always hated it when people called the grocery store the market, but it seems fitting here) and bought some healthy produce while wearing my yoga pants inside out. That will teach me to get dressed without putting my glasses on.

I don't know what else to say. I just promised to blog more regularly so I'm trying. That's all I can do is keep trying.

30 Day Test

This morning I woke up to a comment on my last blog entry which read,

Hi there! I'm a new follower and have found your posts real and inspiring. Please come out of hiding! 

So here I am! (Thanks for the push)

For the last few days I've been toying with the idea of buying a 90 day in home work out program. There are quite a few options out there;

• p90x (too extreme for my current fitness level) 
• Insanity (even more extreme!)
• Power90 (p90x's predecessor which one description called "p90x for beginners")
• Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (a friend has this and really likes it. Especially because the work outs are only 30 minutes compared to an hour for p90x)

I narrowed it down to Power90 and Body Revolution because I need a workout I can manage or I won't stick to it. Power90 is less expensive, but Body Revolution also comes with a ton of nutrition information including a 7 day kick start diet and diet guidelines and recipes to follow for the entire 90 days. Now I know the two go hand in hand but it seems to me that Power90 (as well as the others) are more geared towards getting in shape, getting ripped and trimmed while Body Revolution also focuses on weight loss and healthy eating habits.

So after a day of research I was ready to buy Body Revolution, then I stop and made myself look at this realistically. I say to myself, "Ok Stacy, can you really commit to doing this? If you order this $120 package of DVDs and books is it going to be like all the other workout programs (couch to 5k, biggest loser DVD 6 week program...) you have started and given up on? Are you actually going to stick to this or will you start finding excuses not to do it?" (Yea I talk to myself, wanna fight about it?)

Knowing my history I couldn't make such a large purchase with a clear conscious. You may argue "Well if you spend that kind of money on it it will make you want to use it!" Which sounds good in theory but once the order is placed and I get the product I kind of forget what the cost was and only feel mildly guilty for letting the money go to waste. I already have a gym membership I pay for every month and never use. My credit card just gets billed everyone month and I only think about it when I drive by the gym and try to avoid it's judging glances. (I plan on canceling that in another 9 days. I had to wait for my contract to expire)

So here is my plan. I am going to put myself on a 30 day challenge. I am going to use a workout DVD I already have (staying away from the biggest loser. WAY too many lunges) or pick a cheap one up at Job Lot and start counting calories religiously again. It will be a test for myself. If I can stick to a 30 day program then I know I will be able to stick to a 90 day program. I'm sure whatever I come up with won't be nearly as rigorous or strict at the Body Revolution program but it's mostly just to prove to myself that I can make the commitment.

Once I come up with a more exact plan I will update you with what that plan will be. And after the 30 days I will decide if I want to purchase a 90 day program or not. I also plan to use this blog as a tool to keep me in check.

So here I am! I am coming out of hiding! It seems I've chosen a path, or at least a direction to head in. Now it's time to take my dog and go for a hike on this beautiful day!

Sulking at the Crossroads

It makes me sad to admit this, but for most of the week I have been happiest at work. I'm forced to interact and joke around with people (like it's such a chore to be silly?) and it keeps my mind off of things. On the other hand I have also been very distracted at work by the same thoughts I'm trying to keep my mind off of and have had to make a conscious effort to hold back tears because if anyone were to ask me what was wrong I think I would lose it...

Why am I stuck on such a roller coaster of emotions lately? Strapped in and nauseous begging to be let off and denied by some unseen amusement park attendant. Is it because I'm always trying to talk myself out of feeling certain ways? To reason with myself, distract myself, even lie to myself so I don't have to face sadness? I've become a pro at lying to myself.

Why is there always such a battle between my heart and my mind? Why can't they live in peace? My heart knows what it wants, and my mind is always trying to convince it other wise whether out of protection because my mind knows I can't have what my heart so desperately wants or just to make daily life a little easier. But no matter how clever my mind can be my heart always knows the truth and ends up resenting my mind for trying to convince it otherwise.

I try to be so strong. I think I probably come across strong. But I'm weak. Fragile and weak. We all are I suppose. I wish I could find strength and peace within myself. I don't want to feel how I feel, or think how I think. I want to be carefree. Carefree...to not care. AT ALL. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you didn't care?

One minute I want to rewind time and change decisions I've made. The next I try to tell myself to look at the past fondly. To learn from my mistakes but smile at the memories. I can't do either. I want to fast forward to a place of contentment, whatever path it takes to get my there. But I can't do that either. Regardless I need to chose a path, any path, and follow it instead sitting in the crossroads with my knees pulled to my chest sulking, wishing things were different. No one likes a cry baby.

MAN UP STACY!

Oh yea, on a more positive note I stayed on track with my diet this week and lost 2lbs :) Only 2.3 more to go and I've reached my next goal! I got this!