Sulking at the Crossroads

It makes me sad to admit this, but for most of the week I have been happiest at work. I'm forced to interact and joke around with people (like it's such a chore to be silly?) and it keeps my mind off of things. On the other hand I have also been very distracted at work by the same thoughts I'm trying to keep my mind off of and have had to make a conscious effort to hold back tears because if anyone were to ask me what was wrong I think I would lose it...

Why am I stuck on such a roller coaster of emotions lately? Strapped in and nauseous begging to be let off and denied by some unseen amusement park attendant. Is it because I'm always trying to talk myself out of feeling certain ways? To reason with myself, distract myself, even lie to myself so I don't have to face sadness? I've become a pro at lying to myself.

Why is there always such a battle between my heart and my mind? Why can't they live in peace? My heart knows what it wants, and my mind is always trying to convince it other wise whether out of protection because my mind knows I can't have what my heart so desperately wants or just to make daily life a little easier. But no matter how clever my mind can be my heart always knows the truth and ends up resenting my mind for trying to convince it otherwise.

I try to be so strong. I think I probably come across strong. But I'm weak. Fragile and weak. We all are I suppose. I wish I could find strength and peace within myself. I don't want to feel how I feel, or think how I think. I want to be carefree. Carefree...to not care. AT ALL. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you didn't care?

One minute I want to rewind time and change decisions I've made. The next I try to tell myself to look at the past fondly. To learn from my mistakes but smile at the memories. I can't do either. I want to fast forward to a place of contentment, whatever path it takes to get my there. But I can't do that either. Regardless I need to chose a path, any path, and follow it instead sitting in the crossroads with my knees pulled to my chest sulking, wishing things were different. No one likes a cry baby.

MAN UP STACY!

Oh yea, on a more positive note I stayed on track with my diet this week and lost 2lbs :) Only 2.3 more to go and I've reached my next goal! I got this!