Who's that cute girl in the mirror?! Oh...it's me...??

I realize I've been on a 5 month hiatus from writing in this blog, and despite the hate letters, threats on my life and weekly riots outside my home trying to persuade me to resume writing (not really. I don't think anyone noticed I stopped) I just couldn't seem to get myself to sit down and write. Well good news folks! I finally had a thought that was too long for me to post in a status on facebook and decided to dust off the old blogging keyboard! I know you've missed my fat girl stories and pictures of food you'll never taste. ;)

Since it's been a while I'll update you that my total weight lost in 2012 was 63 lbs! (Go me!) And while I haven't lost anymore weight this first 6 weeks of 2013 I find it interesting that every time I look in the mirror I am surprised by what I see. Pleasantly surprised, but surprised none the less. I spent so long looking in the mirror to make sure I was presentable, but trying not to focus on anything specific because I hated what I saw. Now no matter what the scale or my jean size says I still expect to see a reflection that makes my lip curl up in disgust, and causes me to walk away with a feeling of "oh well, I guess this is as good as it gets."

Did I really act/feel that way and think it was normal? I've said this regarding other old habits or thought patterns as well but I didn't realize how much I avoided my own reflection until I started to like what I saw. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not about to start spending hours posing in the mirror, making kissy faces and telling myself how beautiful and awesome I am, but it's nice to look in the mirror and think "wow, I actually look pretty darn good." I've even done double takes if I catch my reflection in a store window and think "Wait, is that really me?"

Oh, us women and our body image issues...I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I've lost 63lbs. I've dropped 4 pant sizes and don't have to wear tops with the dreaded letter "x" in the size. I continue to order clothes too big for me, then laugh and shake my head when they look silly on me. I'm not saying it's a bad problem to have, I just don't understand why I can't grasp the fact that I'm not a plus size woman anymore. It makes me wonder if I'll always be a fat girl in my own mind, no matter what I really look like. HELLO STACY!! WAKE UP!

Day two and I feel like poo

(see what I did there? Two and poo rhyme? hehe)

Don't worry, I still made it to the gym! It would be awfully sad (and unfortunately quite like me) to give up after just one day. But I didn't! Somewhere during the course of the day yesterday my allergies hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm blaming the yard work I did, namely pulling up all the day lily plants around the tree in my front yard. I know I am allergic to whatever kind of lily you buy at the florist, but the day lilies never seemed to bother me before. Either way it was a good excuse to not mow my lawn today ;)

But since last night I've had it all. Stuffy nose, sneezing, itchy throat (in my opinion the WORST allergy symptom), itchy eyes...and I mean hardcore. I've had allergies my whole life and never had them knock me on my ass like this before. I feel like I have a severe cold. And this is with taking Singulair, Claritin and using a perscription nose spray. I know, I know. Boo hoo Stacy has allergies. But this is my blog and I can complain if I want to!

Anyway, I didn't let it stop me from making it to the gym from my strength training day. (Although I did ditch my gym buddy so I could pick up my prescription. LAME!) I warmed up on the elliptical for 5 minutes then kind of wandered around choosing random upper body machines/exercises to do. I need to get a better game plan down as far as that goes. We'll see tomorrow if I did a good job or not! I think I did alright. I was hoping working out would knock the ickies out of me and make me feel like super woman, but instead it made me extremely tired and I came home and took a nap. But enough about that! Lets talk about food!

Healthy Baked Nuggets with Baked Seasoned Fries and Skinny Garlic Aioli

If you read my last entry I planned on making healthier versions of chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner last night. I won't go through a full play by play but I'll just give you my opinion of the two recipes.The Healthy Baked Chicken Nuggets were awesome and really simple. Cut up chicken breast, season with salt and pepper, toss with olive oil then coat in a bread crumb mix and bake. I am definitely keeping this recipe around!! I'm also going to experiment with it to come up with a buffalo version since I'm a huge buffalo wing fan and they are far from healthy. I don't watch football, but if I did it would be a great game day treat!

 The Baked Seasoned Fries with Skinny Garlic Aioli were a little disappointing. Going by the picture and the seasonings in the recipe they sounded amazing! But I found them lacking salt. That little addition could make a world of difference in this recipe. The Garlic Aioli however was phemoninal!

Look at those expert knife skills!

Baked Seasoned Fries

 I also mentioned in the last post that I had made Low Fat Pumpkin Spiced Chocolate Chip Cookies. Incase anyone was wondering what they looked like, here ya go! Now I just need to find a recipe to use the rest of the pumpkin puree I have left over. The recipe only called for 2 Tablespoons!

Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Chip Cookies

And if you've ever thought, "I bet Stacy made a really cute Girl Scout!" you're in luck! I found my old vest! It doesn't quite fit anymore but I can still rock it! Also, a glass of wine has cured my allergy symptoms (for now), screw you modern medicine!

Ya guys want some cookies?!

I finally made a 30 day comitment

Ok, so I finally decided on a 30 day plan to test myself on before committing to a 90 day program. I cancelled my gym membership and yesterday they let me know I have access to the gym until October 12. As I was getting ready for bed last night saying to myself how I should get up and go to the gym in the morning, how I'd feel so much better if I did (a conversation I have with myself almost nightly) it hit me. "Tomorrow is September 12, giving me exactly 30 days left to be able to use the gym. That can be my 30 day tester program!"

So, tada! My 30 day plan is to go to the gym every day for at least 30 minutes for 30 days. I will most likely alternate between a cardio day and a strength training day. As far as the nutrition part of the 30 days go I'm going to start by counting calories as I always have then switch to diet with mostly whole foods; lean protein, fruits, veggies, potatoes in moderation... I'll start that once I finish up the foods that don't fit into that category that are already in my house. I can't afford to just throw it all away. I'm also going to cut out sugar and mimimize dairy besides what I use in my coffee and minimize alcohol (after I just bought a 12 pack of miller light last night).

I went to the gym this morning and did 50 minutes on the elliptical in aerobics mode (burning 470 calories) and now I'm heading outside to do yard work ::grumbles:: I'm thinking of putting out an ad that reads

Wanted: Lover and companion who is willing to do all yard work in exchange for a well kept house and home cooked meals. Must be willing to keep up with the weeding, leafs, grass, snow shoveling etc...to keep the yard presentable during all seasons. I will help with in home maintenance and upgrades. Applicants subject to compatibility test. Send pictures and wooing description to JaneDoe@mail.com.

Oi...now I understand why people get married.

I made some really good  Low-fat Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies a couple days ago. You can tell their are low fat but they are still yummy with a glass of 1% or nonfat milk. Next time I would add more pumpkin spice to it though. I love the fall and can't wait to start cooking fall recipes! SkinnyTaste.com is my new favorite website for low fat recipes. Tonight I plan on making a grown up version of a kids favorite! Healthy Baked Chicken Nuggets with Baked Seasoned Fries with Skinny Garlic Aliol. Sounds amazing! I'll let you guys know how they came out tomorrow. After I get home from the gym of course!

Despite all my slacking and not staying on track I am happy to report I haven't gained any weight! Well, there was 2 weeks I weighed 3lbs less but overall for the last 2 months I've weighed exactly the same. Which is awesome. At least I know weight maintenance shouldn't be too difficult once I get to that point. Being aware of what you're putting in your body is very important. Once you get the attitude of "Whatever, it tastes good, I'm gonna eat it" and turn a blind eye then you're in trouble.

Alright, I need to stop stalling and go get my yard straightened out. Until next time!

Clothes Make the Woman

It was time for some new clothes...

 I had one pair of jeans, a few dresses, 3 tank tops and one cardigan that fit me properly. The rest of my clothes I would wear even though they didn't fit me right, or I would try them on over and over hoping maybe THIS time they would look cute and I could wear them. (It never happened) So I grabbed a friend and headed to Torrid and Old Navy and had a lot of luck in both places!

Torrid is a trendy young plus size store which I really didn't want to have to shop in out of principle, but I was the smallest size there so that felt great. The trouble with most plus size stores/departments is that the clothes are usually modified to fit a larger person (obviously). Elastic wastes, faux jeans, longer sleeves on t shirts, and all the tops seemed to be way longer then average sized clothes. It makes it difficult to be stylish without compromise unless you're like 50 years old. (Being able to wear whatever you want? What does that mean?) Torrid however is pretty awesome.

Anyway...I've always wanted to wear skinny jeans and they just looked awful on me, (my legs would resemble an ice cream cone) but not anymore! I fit in a size smaller then I thought I would, got to buy the style I really wanted and looked awesome in almost everything I tried on! (except gray. I look awful in gray) I think I mentioned this in an earlier entry but it again shocked me how much better I look in clothes that actually fit me instead of loose jeans and over sized shirts. Imagine that.

I could have easily spent over $1000! It's a totally new experience for me to look good in just about everything I tried on. I'm so used to getting excited if ANYTHING looked decent on me I'd just get it regardless if I was in love with it or not. I had to use restraint though because I don't plan to stay this size for more then a couple months and I don't want to waste my money. Now I need to go through my closet and drawers and get rid of all the frumpy, over sized and scrubby clothes I'm hanging on to for no reason.

For as long as I can remember if I don't have plans to go out for a specific reason I tend to dress in crappy old clothes or jeans and a baggy t shirt because I figure, who do I need to impress? Don't get me wrong I love my yoga pants and over sized Star Wars t shirt but I'm going to start dressing cute just for me. Going to the grocery store? Hell yea I'll put on my skinny jeans and off the shoulder shear white shirt with cute flats and feather earrings! Just got home from work? Hello boot cut denim and cute birdcage graphic t! It's time to start fresh! Slowly build a new wardrobe, a new style and a new me. I'm done wearing clothes I'm not in love with just because they fit. F that! Also...I want cowgirl boots...

So here's to clothes shopping being fun, motivational and ego boosting! I never thought I'd see the day! Hooray!

I'm a liar

Well, I still haven't started my 30 day test...

(I'm glad I didn't spend the money on one of those programs!)

I keep breaking promises to myself. I need to stop it. Sunday morning I typed out a long entry about how I'm not drinking any alcohol until my birthday and I'm cutting soda (diet and regular) and energy drinks out of my diet. Then ranted about how the food industry and pharmaceutical companies are involved in a conspiracy to feed us addicting chemical filled food that make us unhealthy then make a profit from the medications we have to take as a result of an unhealthy diet. (It was based on nothing) That afternoon I drank soda. And last night I had alcohol. I deleted the draft without publishing it...

This morning I went to the market (I've always hated it when people called the grocery store the market, but it seems fitting here) and bought some healthy produce while wearing my yoga pants inside out. That will teach me to get dressed without putting my glasses on.

I don't know what else to say. I just promised to blog more regularly so I'm trying. That's all I can do is keep trying.

30 Day Test

This morning I woke up to a comment on my last blog entry which read,

Hi there! I'm a new follower and have found your posts real and inspiring. Please come out of hiding! 

So here I am! (Thanks for the push)

For the last few days I've been toying with the idea of buying a 90 day in home work out program. There are quite a few options out there;

• p90x (too extreme for my current fitness level) 
• Insanity (even more extreme!)
• Power90 (p90x's predecessor which one description called "p90x for beginners")
• Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (a friend has this and really likes it. Especially because the work outs are only 30 minutes compared to an hour for p90x)

I narrowed it down to Power90 and Body Revolution because I need a workout I can manage or I won't stick to it. Power90 is less expensive, but Body Revolution also comes with a ton of nutrition information including a 7 day kick start diet and diet guidelines and recipes to follow for the entire 90 days. Now I know the two go hand in hand but it seems to me that Power90 (as well as the others) are more geared towards getting in shape, getting ripped and trimmed while Body Revolution also focuses on weight loss and healthy eating habits.

So after a day of research I was ready to buy Body Revolution, then I stop and made myself look at this realistically. I say to myself, "Ok Stacy, can you really commit to doing this? If you order this $120 package of DVDs and books is it going to be like all the other workout programs (couch to 5k, biggest loser DVD 6 week program...) you have started and given up on? Are you actually going to stick to this or will you start finding excuses not to do it?" (Yea I talk to myself, wanna fight about it?)

Knowing my history I couldn't make such a large purchase with a clear conscious. You may argue "Well if you spend that kind of money on it it will make you want to use it!" Which sounds good in theory but once the order is placed and I get the product I kind of forget what the cost was and only feel mildly guilty for letting the money go to waste. I already have a gym membership I pay for every month and never use. My credit card just gets billed everyone month and I only think about it when I drive by the gym and try to avoid it's judging glances. (I plan on canceling that in another 9 days. I had to wait for my contract to expire)

So here is my plan. I am going to put myself on a 30 day challenge. I am going to use a workout DVD I already have (staying away from the biggest loser. WAY too many lunges) or pick a cheap one up at Job Lot and start counting calories religiously again. It will be a test for myself. If I can stick to a 30 day program then I know I will be able to stick to a 90 day program. I'm sure whatever I come up with won't be nearly as rigorous or strict at the Body Revolution program but it's mostly just to prove to myself that I can make the commitment.

Once I come up with a more exact plan I will update you with what that plan will be. And after the 30 days I will decide if I want to purchase a 90 day program or not. I also plan to use this blog as a tool to keep me in check.

So here I am! I am coming out of hiding! It seems I've chosen a path, or at least a direction to head in. Now it's time to take my dog and go for a hike on this beautiful day!

Sulking at the Crossroads

It makes me sad to admit this, but for most of the week I have been happiest at work. I'm forced to interact and joke around with people (like it's such a chore to be silly?) and it keeps my mind off of things. On the other hand I have also been very distracted at work by the same thoughts I'm trying to keep my mind off of and have had to make a conscious effort to hold back tears because if anyone were to ask me what was wrong I think I would lose it...

Why am I stuck on such a roller coaster of emotions lately? Strapped in and nauseous begging to be let off and denied by some unseen amusement park attendant. Is it because I'm always trying to talk myself out of feeling certain ways? To reason with myself, distract myself, even lie to myself so I don't have to face sadness? I've become a pro at lying to myself.

Why is there always such a battle between my heart and my mind? Why can't they live in peace? My heart knows what it wants, and my mind is always trying to convince it other wise whether out of protection because my mind knows I can't have what my heart so desperately wants or just to make daily life a little easier. But no matter how clever my mind can be my heart always knows the truth and ends up resenting my mind for trying to convince it otherwise.

I try to be so strong. I think I probably come across strong. But I'm weak. Fragile and weak. We all are I suppose. I wish I could find strength and peace within myself. I don't want to feel how I feel, or think how I think. I want to be carefree. Carefree...to not care. AT ALL. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you didn't care?

One minute I want to rewind time and change decisions I've made. The next I try to tell myself to look at the past fondly. To learn from my mistakes but smile at the memories. I can't do either. I want to fast forward to a place of contentment, whatever path it takes to get my there. But I can't do that either. Regardless I need to chose a path, any path, and follow it instead sitting in the crossroads with my knees pulled to my chest sulking, wishing things were different. No one likes a cry baby.

MAN UP STACY!

Oh yea, on a more positive note I stayed on track with my diet this week and lost 2lbs :) Only 2.3 more to go and I've reached my next goal! I got this!