Exploration & Acceptance

Well, I finally made it to a yoga class. It's something I've been talking about doing for years. There weren't many people in the class, and it was obvious they'd all been doing yoga for a while, so I was slightly intimidated. Also, the yoga class came immediately after "Total Body Melt" (also my first time taking the class) which was a strengthening and sculpting class so my legs were shaking before yoga even started. But I did my best. It was harder then I thought it would be. I have a lot to learn as far as poses and proper form go and I had to modify a lot of the position but over all I don't think I did so bad. I really need to build up my core strength as that seems to be where I had the most difficulty but I was surprised at how flexible I was compared to some of the more experienced yoga goers. Although I have a lot of room for improvement in both classes I was genuinely surprised I did as well as I did in both and I plan on going back to those classes and continuing to try new ones until I find my favorites.

Since I took that one kickboxing class I've been wanted to try everything! I was always so afraid to take classes because I didn't want people to judge me for being over weight and out of shape. Now I feel even if they are judging me, I don't give a fuck. This is my journey of self discovery and growth and if you're such a miserable person you need to judge others to feel better about yourself then I feel sorry for you. So there!

Also since that kickboxing class I've been motivated to stay on track with my eating and exercise. (hooray!!) I've back to religiously tracking my calories with my handy My Fitness Pal app (even if I go over, the key is to be aware of what I am putting into my body) and redrew the chart I used to have on the dry erase board on my fridge. With it I check off and track the following daily:

• Morning Stretch
• Evening Stretch
• Within Calories
• # Alcoholic Beverages (goal is 0 or minimal on nights out)
• Time Spent Exercising (30 minutes a day is ideal)

They are small manageable goals and a way to remind myself to do them every time I walk by or open my fridge. Sometimes I think, "Oh yea! I forgot to stretch!", or it will get my butt out the door to take Lillie for a walk, or make me rethink what my snack may be. I need constant reminders and motivation to keep myself on track. When I'm doing well it feels great to look at the chart and see how well I've been doing. And when I'm not doing well it'll get me to try harder. Like, "Alright, I haven't exercised in 3 days, I have to AT LEAST do a little something." It's also where I keep track of how much weight I've lost and draw myself little smiley faces or write notes to keep my spirits up on a down day. It's funny how a little thing like a dry erase board can make such a big difference.

I wish I had written about this when I originally thought about it because now I can't remember what it was in reference to but from time to time something happens and I think about how the same situation may have effected me last year. It amazes me to think of how completely different my frame of mind is. Everything was so over whelming, I was so fragile and insecure the most innocent comment would send me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts ending in endless tears. I know I've said this before but I can't believe I'd lived SO long this way! I think to myself all the time, is THIS what it feels like to be a normal happy person? 

At the end of the yoga class today the instructor read a passage about being disconnected with ourselves. I wish I remembered it better, or knew what she was reading from but the main message was this,  

The disconnection we feel with our inner selves causes us sadness and loneliness and causes us to try find happiness outside of our selves. We look for relationships that will complete us, make us whole and that will never truly work. But once we discover who we really are and are able to reconnect with that person, happiness will follow, no matter what the outside circumstances may be. 

It's so true. I know myself better now then I ever have, and it makes life so much easier when I am secure and content with who I am. Am I entirely happy with all aspects of my life? No. Am I happy and confident 100% of the time? No. Do I have personal things to work on? Yes. But at the end of the day I AM happy with who I am and have faith that everything that happens in life teaches me something and in the end everything is going to work out the way it was meant to.

That's my piece for the day. I'm going to spend the rest of this chilly rainy day wearing sweatpants, watching One For the Money and reading Catching Fire. Life is good.