My Glass is Half Full. Is Yours?

I just want to start off by saying peanut butter multigrain Cheerios are my new favorite thing. It's like Peanut Butter Crunch for adults! (minus the roof of your mouth being cut up and the weird coating that comes along with it)

I made my pineapple angle food cake last night. I'll admit it wasn't as good as I had remembered, but it was still yummy! I think the difference may have been the brand of cake mix I used. I don't remember what I had used before (Betty Crocker or something?), but I bought Target's brand this time. It comes out much more dense then a normal angel food cake which is why the serving looks a little small, but it is totally satisfying!

Pineapple Angel Food Cake

1 serving with berries and light cool whip

That delicious looking plate you see above is approx 200 calories. (166 for the cake, 20ish for the cool whip and that leaves you 14 available for berries. I think 200 is a good guesstimate) It was a perfect sweet treat after a ho hum day.

I had mentioned a couple days ago that if you cut the cake into 20 pieces each serving is only 100 calories (I saw the suggestion reading a recipe for it online) but now that I've made it again I think 1/20 would be a bit small. You can kind of see the cake cut into the 12 slices in the first picture. If it's for a party and meant as just a taste then it would be perfect, but I know a piece that small would leave me wanting more! (but then again, that's how I got fat in the first place...)

I've come to terms with the fact that I gained most of the weight I had lost during the cabbage soup diet back. I mean, what did I expect? I barely eat for a week, then start loading up on carbs and cheese as soon as it's over. The weight won't magically stay off. But that's ok. I've still lost 2lbs since the week before, and I'm sure that's a more permanent weight loss then eating like a rabbit for a week. All that diet did for me this time was to cause me to go way over board with eating unhealthy food once the week was over. Most of that was my mindset though. Like I mentioned before, I did the same diet to kick off my weight loss journey in January with much success. It got me out of bad habits and off sugar and caffeine and I lost 12.5lbs that I kept off. This time, not so much. Meh, you win some you lose some.

It's beautiful out today. Lillie is on the deck basking in the sunshine, and my half weeded garden looks awesome. I can't wait to see it when it's done. Yesterday and today I'm focusing on the inside of my house. It had been a little neglected while I was playing in the yard. My fridge and oven have never been so clean! Cleaning my fridge and freezer also gave me the opportunity to clear out a bunch of food I don't want anymore. I tell ya, I have a lot of food in this house for 1 person. Working in a grocery store I'm always like "Oh, Fiber One brownies on sale?! Heck yea!" then I'll eat one of the 12 pack and they'll sit on my fridge. I have 5 kinds of mustard, 6 salad dressings and about 8 different sauces and marinades. That doesn't even count the standards like ketchup, relish, mayo, BBQ sauce... Why do I have so much STUFF?! I don't even like mustard that much!

I am so happy I'm enjoying taking care of my house. It was always such a chore to do anything in my darker days. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a very happy camper scraping a mystery crust off the bottom of my fridge yesterday, but I did it, and it looks awesome now! It still amazes me sometimes how different life is when you're not depressed. I just thought that's how I was; lazy, sloppy, unmotivated, ungrateful, miserable... but that's not me. I wasted so much time living that way, not realizing how depressed I really was or even considering the possibility that there was another way to live! I assumed other people were happy because they were prettier, made more money, had someone who loved them, or had a better job. But in reality it's all in the way you perceive things. Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty.

I can look out the window now and smile, content with the fact that I weeded half my garden and it's going to look awesome when I finish. Seeing the beauty of life, and myself, imperfections and all. The old me would have looked out the window and felt guilty, anxious and like a failure because I only got half done. Then I would continue to look out the window day after day feeling horrible about myself for not doing it, beating myself up about it and calling myself names. Then I'd turn around and turn on the TV to distract myself from my own thoughts, or grab a bowl of ice cream to cheer myself up. Because a smile for 10 minutes is better then no smile at all, right?

I wasted way too much of my life living this way. It's weird starting over again at 26. This week I have done so many things I've never done before. I had never weeded a garden, never completely taken apart my fridge to clean, never cleaned my oven (it's even a self cleaning oven!) and I'm thinking to myself, "God, I've lived her for almost THREE years and I've never done any of this before? WTF have I been doing this whole time!?" It makes me sad to think about.

But now is a time for learning and growth. For expanding my horizons and taking responsibility for bettering my own life. And most importantly, enjoying it along the way! So, here's to being content with whatever progress you're able to make today working towards a brighter tomorrow. Here's to enjoying the morning birds' songs, smiling at the flowers and taking a moment to soak up the sun. Here's to LIFE!

Short and Boring

I don't have much to say today. I've been feeling pretty down all day. I did my second work out for C25K and wanted to kill someone when I was done. The app wasn't cooperating with me and I couldn't hear the prompts to start jogging and walking so I had to keep checking my phone and rewinding the work out. So that was really pissing me off. It was also incredibly windy out which didn't make it very easy. Maybe I'll try again in the morning.

I stuck to my diet today, and cleaned my kitchen like a champ. I cooked a fabulous seafood pasta dish for dinner and made the pineapple angel food cake, thought I haven't had any. (it's still cooling) That's about it.

The Diet Train Got Derailed. Expect Delays.

Alrighty, so I skipped my entry for yesterday. Sorry, but I just didn't feel like talking to you, alright? Get off my back.

Maybe that was a little harsh, but I'm pretty mad at myself. Since Friday night I have not been sticking to my diet at all. Saturday I started off good, but then I was training at work and didn't have time for a break (totally an excuse. I could have made time) so I made myself and my coworker a panini for lunch. (complete with bacon!) Then since I didn't get my Mac and Cheese Friday I thought, "Oh, I'll just make a box of mac and cheese with skim milk and it'll satisfy my craving!" Nope. So then I had strawberry ice cream. (with rainbow sprinkles of course!)

Yesterday I had a good breakfast, then I wanted to try making a new pizza at work. Bacon ricotta scallion, complete with an olive oil and garlic rubbed crust. (yes it was as amazing as it sounds) So of course I has to sample it. 5 times. Then I thought, "OK! 1/2 slice (it's a big slice) of pizza isn't the end of the world! I'll just eat healthy the rest of the night." I knew I was going to a bar to see a friend's band play so I had a healthy snack before I went and planned on just having a couple light beers. 5 (6? I lost count) beers later I'm heading to stop and shop because I want a stuffie, and mac and cheese. Again. I stepped on the scale this morning and almost cried. I had gained the entire 9lbs I had lost last week back. Hopefully it's just temporary and I'm retaining fluid from all the salt and cheese I've been eating (maybe?) but damn...why did it get hard again all of a sudden?!

Today I've stayed on track, but it's been really hard. I don't understand how I was barely hungry and couldn't eat large portions last week and now I want to eat everything in site. I blame the pizza on Friday. Someone compared rewarding yourself with food when you're trying to lose weight to an alcoholic rewarding themselves for being sober with a drink. At first I was just thinking, well yea, that's just silly. But now I'm thinking there's more too it. I really am ADDICTED to food. And once I had a taste of the delicious unhealthy stuff now all I want is more more more. Damn it!! And working in a kitchen makes it so freaking hard! It's like an alcoholic brewing beer. Or a meth head with a lab in his house. It's a recipe for disaster! (pun totally intended)

Anyway. I bought a new bed set today. I went to Target for The Hunger Games (can't wait to start it) and a few groceries and checked out with $180 worth of merchandise. Oops. My old one served a good 3 years and I loved it, but it was looking pretty crummy. I'm not sure I really like the new one. It's nice in the bag but the dark purple and gray against my pale yellow walls...eh. It's going to take some getting used to. And now my curtains don't match! (such a hard life I have) Lillie has claimed my old comforter as her new throne. I don't blame her, it's a sweet comforter and she has good taste just like her mama.

I had an amazing, super romantic dream last night about a guy who I am assuming is a hybrid of a few guys I know. I hope it's a glimpse into the future! (minus the weird trippy parts with myself running down a long hall of high school lockers and my mom and I being kicked out of a Patriots football concert or something....?) Tomorrow I plan to do day 2 of the Couch to 5K plan, but I think I'm just going to call it day 1 again since it's been so long since the last time I went. Then hopefully the weather will cooperate so I can finish weeding my garden, but it looks pretty wet out there.

Oh! For any of you dieters out there looking for a yummy sweet dessert that's also super easy and inexpensive I have a recipe for you! I got it from a Weight Watchers meeting years ago and I plan on making it either tonight or tomorrow.

Pineapple Angel food Cake

1 box store bought angel food cake mix
1 can crushed pineapple, including juice

Combine the cake mix and the pineapple. Do not add the water as instructed on the back of the box. The box instructs to cook it in a tube pan, but I found recipes online which say you can use a 9x9 pan, or a 9 x13 pan. Bake as directed on the box, but keep an eye on it as the different sized pans may effect the cooking times slightly.

1/12 of the cake is 166 calories. 
1/20 is 100 calories (I recommend the 9x13 if you're going to cut it that small)


 It doesn't get much easier then that! I plan on tossing fresh sliced strawberries with a package of Truvia, letting them sit the whole day to get nice and sweet and juicy then putting some on top of my slice. Along with a dollop of light cool whip, (only 20 calories per serving) that's a dessert fit for a queen!

Well, my acorn squash is almost done and The Hunger Games is calling my name. I hope I can get back on track and stay there! Wish me luck!

Yard Work Makes My Everything Hurt

This is going to be short and sweet since everything from my chest down is sore, and everything from my chest up is sunburned.

I've realized yard work is a lot like painting. It always takes 3-4 times longer then you think it's going to, you enjoy it at first then start cursing it as the hours/days go by, but then you love it when it's done and looking awesome. I spent 2 1/2 hours weeding HALF my garden today. Man oh man, I shouldn't have neglected that for 3 years.

But unlike painting having a couple beers while doing yard work will not effect the quality of the outcome. That's just a theory at the moment. I plan on testing it out next time I'm out there.

Until the end when I started to feel like one of those over acting old people on those backache remedy commercials, I really enjoyed my yard work today. Sitting in a pile of dirt, sun on my skin, stabbing at the ground with a handheld gardening shovel (probably not the most efficient way to go about things) while trying to distinguish between what are plants and what are weeds. A house the next street over was having a kids birthday party and had a live band playing (cowbell and all!!) and for that I thank them. It's been so gorgeous the last 2 days, but the rain that's on the way will definitely do us good.

Sadly, I didn't get to go to Meritage last night. I got all dolled up, picked out my meal and at the last minute plans for my long awaited night out didn't work out. Sad and angry (emotional eater much?) I had pizza hut pizza instead. It wasn't at all what I wanted and I wish I had just eaten something healthy and gone tonight by myself or something instead. Super duper bummed. But whatever. I'll just have to look forward to next time and make sure I only make plans with myself so nothing can go wrong.

"Table for one please!"
"Sorry Ma'am, we don't serve losers in our establishment."
:(

I had a lot more to say today, but I'm tired and this chair hurts my back so hopefully I'll still remember everything I wanted to say tomorrow. (Who am I kidding, I already forgot most of it)

"When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in life's eyes!!!"

Red Red Wine, You Make Me Feel So Fine.

THE BIGGEST LOSER IS OVER!!!

Once again the cabbage soup diet was a success, allowing me to lose 9lbs in one week! My final figures for the 7 weeks of the biggest loser (I may have said 8 weeks before but I was mistaken) is 27.2 lbs or 11.5% of my body weight gone! Hoorrraaayyy!! That brings me to a total of 46 lbs lost in 3 1/2 months. 4 more pounds and I'm half way to my goal!! 9.1 more pounds and I reach my next mini goal and get to have a day at the spa! I'm going to book it soon for about a month from now. I know I can lose 10lbs by then. I rule!

So those of you that read this regularly know today is my long awaited cheat day. I had been dreaming about food all week debating how badly I should cheat and what I should have. But really, I've been really good today and with all the excessive I put in I don't think I'll end up that far off of my regular calorie intake. I had a pretty eventful and productive day...

After being up for 23 hours yesterday I jumped out of bed at 9am anxious to go to Dave's and weigh in. More because I wanted to make banana pancakes for breakfast then because I wanted to know my final result. (I have a scale in my bathroom for goodness sakes) So I roll into the parking lot at 9:35 when I get a text telling me the weigh in is from 11-12 for the final week instead of 930-1030. SOB! So I say to Lillie (my copilot for the day),

"Alright Lillie, lets go to Lowe's and get some mulch or something to make the yard pretty!"

All she did was look at me, but I know she was screaming "Heck yea, Mom! You're the smartest most awesome human I know!" on the inside.

So I roll the windows down, turn my music up and hit the road. I don't normally eat before a weight in, but I wasn't going to wait til 12 to eat so I stopped at Dunkin' for a coffee and turkey sausage egg white flat bread thingy. Not the best tasting thing in the world, but only 280 calories and a much healthier choice then banana pancakes. With caffeine and food in hand I head to Lowe's singing along with my Beatles, Dear Prudence "genius"playlist (which somehow included Thursday, The Grateful Dead, Fleetwood Mac and The Used? Um...no iPhone. Thursday, The Used and The Beatles do not belong in the same category!! Dumb ass). When I get to Lowe's I realize, crap I don't have my Lowe's credit card (which gives me 5% off). Damn...

"WTF Lillie! I guess I'll go get the car washed."
"Mmmrrrfff" she replies with a head twitch and tail wag.

So I did. Then went home, got my credit card (which I had managed to throw away?), weighed in then went back to Lowe's. I had all these plans to put down mulch along my house, cultivate my garden, use left over stones to make a nice little border around the garden and to make a little area under my mailbox to plant some tulips or daffodils. I bought what I needed, got home and went to work. 5 hours later I am sunburned, exhausted and a nice blackish brown from head to toe. (I really get into my work). And all I got done was cleaning up and mowing my back yard!! It had been neglected for a while and I had a massive amount of acorn fragments, dead grass, twigs and pebbles (so many freaking pebbles!!) to rake and pick up. I was tired of my backyard looking white trash and once I got going I couldn't stop.

Don't get me wrong, it looks better then it ever has and I'm happy with it, I just wanted to do more then tedious BS work all day. My yard will never get me on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens but I work with what I've got at the moment! (which is random clumps of grass, lots of dirt and mostly weeds I hope look like grass from afar). I even destroyed my yellow tulips I was so proud of (the first thing I ever planted and it actually came back this year!) with the lawn mower cord. Blah.

Side note: It's not a good idea to get your car washed on a windy day that you plan to rake and mow a yard which is 35% dirt.

So according to My Fitness Pal, which I use to track my calories weight and exercise, 90 minutes of raking burned 596 calories and 35 minutes of mowing the lawn burned 348 calories. While I may have over estimated the length of time doing those specific things I also moved a crap load of heavy rocks, was on my hands and knees picking up rocks and sticks and was out there way longer then 2 hours 5 minutes. So between that and only eating 664 calories so far today I think I'm golden for my cheat night! Now I don't have any reason to feel even remotely guilty!! Aaaannnd, I'm enjoying a nice glass (ok maybe I'm on #2) of red wine right now. Yea, I'm a little tipsy so this entry is probably way too long and talks about things no one cares about but me. TOO BAD! :) At least the blisters on my hands don't hurt anymore...

I just got completely distracted and have no idea where I was going with this, so I'll just end it now. Leah will be here soon and we're going to Meritage! I'm super excited!! Even though my clothes are too big!!! That deserves both an "arrrggg" and a "whoohoo!"

Last minute thought: 94 HJY just reminded me today is 4:20. This is the first year since I've been 18 I haven't celebrated 4:20. Not sure how I feel about that...

One Small Jog for Stacy, One Giant Leap for Procrastinaters Everywhere

I did it!! I completed the first work out for the couch to 5k plan! For me, and probably a lot of people, taking that first step to starting anything new is the hardest and I didn't procrastinate even 1 day! What's happening to me? It was definitely a challenge but it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. And I didn't cheat! (or trip)

While I was slogging (slow jogging) along the Pilgrim track it felt great to know I had taken the first step to being able to run. The sun was out, the wind was blowing...it was a perfect day to be outside. Although it was slightly discouraging when I looked to my side and saw the bleachers slooowly creeping by while I was working through a leg cramp. But hey, I did what I could and I felt great when the workout was over.  Do I dare say I almost enjoyed it? I think I did. Again, what's happening to me?

While I accomplished one thing, I gave up on another. The cabbage soup diet went out the window. I'm sick of the soup and didn't want the same rice and corn dish for lunch AND dinner. So I had my beef tips and greens again tonight. I wouldn't say I'm totally of the diet, I just made modifications. I'm sure it won't really matter that much. My calorie intake is still way under what I normally eat. Only 14 hours until I can chose my own food again. And I chose my cheat meal! Are you ready for the big reveal?! (I know this is the only reason anyone reads this. To find out what I'm going to eat.)

I'm going to go to Meritage (if you haven't been, GO!) and am getting a side order of lobster mac & cheese and either a small antipasti, or I'm going to split calamari with Leah. To drink, either a glass of wine or a martini. Is is sad I've read their menu like 5 times to pick out what I want to eat? Meh, I don't care if it is.

Tomorrow is going to rock!! I have the day off, I'll see the final results from all my hard work for the last 8 weeks (including my BMI), do some yard work (it's good exercise and gives me pride that I at least don't have the WORST kept yard in the neighborhood) and then I'm going out for a delicious meal. No picking through the few meager "healthy" options on the menu trying my best to calculate the calories and eating double steamed veggies for this chica!

Nothing else to report really. My calf hurts, so I put icy hot on it. That's about it. Until next time,

"If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!"

If anyone knows what show the quote is from, my dad loves you.

psstt, I think Stacy's lost her mind...

From Fruit Ninja to Cardio Ninja! (or something like that)

I just spent so much time playing fruit ninja on my phone my finger hurts...

I know, I know. I need a better pass time. Or at least a better game to play. And although making Lillie do her little hoppy dance by looking at her while I'm eating (Leah, Tiana, you know which dance I'm talking about!) it's not cutting the cheddar any more.

So I'm going to do it. The couch to 5k running plan! I went over to Bob's Store after work and bought myself a pair of sweet ass black and hot pink Nike's (hands down the best color combo) so at least my feet will look awesome even if I'm making an ass of myself. It's always been a secret, seemingly unattainable dream of mine to be able to run. I always looked at runners and felt envious of them. Effortlessly gliding across the pavement, sun on their face, wind in their hair. Even the not so fit or graceful runners I envied for having the courage to get out and do it! Well now it doesn't seem quite so unattainable. If I've been able to accomplish the things I have in the last 8 months, I can learn to run.  Especially if that 60 year old man in the short shorts and tucked in tank top can do it! ::cringes::

Anywho...I'm starting tomorrow and I'm pretty scared. All I keep thinking about is being back in 8th and 9th grade and having to do the mile run for gym class and refusing to even try because I didn't want everyone to laugh at me for my body jiggling or my face getting beet red as I sucked wind. So instead I pretended I was one of those "too cool for gym" kids and walked it instead, accepting a C in the class. Fear of failure and rejection is something that has crippled me in almost every aspect of my life; my career, making friends, meeting NICE guys, perusing and excelling at singing, trying new things... A coworker of mine is leaving everything behind and moving to CA. Oh, how I envy him so. I could never leave the safety of Warwick RI in search of a new and better life, or at the very least an awesome adventure. I shouldn't say that. The OLD me couldn't have. Maybe the new me can. :)

Speaking of guys, (not a very smooth transition I know) a few friends of mine have recently expressed their concerns about never being able to find a decent guy who will love them. Afraid their appearance makes them sub-par in the eyes of men, that they don't deserve to be loved. Believe me, I've been there and it's a shitty place to be. No matter how many times you declare to yourself  "If the guy is worth it, he won't care what I look like!" you never really fully believe it. It's just a nice thought for a wonderful world full of unicorns and rainbows, and as anyone can tell you...unicorns don't exist. (Sorry to burst your bubble)

I'm not saying all men are shallow by any means, but if YOU don't think you're attractive enough, it is going to effect the type of men you chose and how you act in a relationship. Because you feel so poorly of yourself you'll settle for guys far below what you deserve and put up with unnecessary bullshit because somewhere you believe you must deserve it. Then because this guy doesn't make you feel like you are loved and appreciated your self esteem gets worse, and the viscous cycle rolls on.

I'm happy to say I'm past all that. I'm done basing my self worth on whether I have a boyfriend or not, or my self image on whether they want me or not. And I'd rather be alone then settle for less then I deserve...again. I've made friends with myself and I would never allow a friend to put up with some of the shotty guys I've dated in the past. I'm not saying I dated horrible abusive douche bags (ok, maybe one) but most of them didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. And not anywhere as good as I treated them. The one guy who did treat me right I threw to the curb because I clearly didn't realize what I had in him. I'm a good person with a lot of love to give and if you can't show me the same love in return, don't waste my time.

I'm completely content being single. I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy a "friend" but I'm all set with the whole couple thing for now. I don't like who I become when I'm part of a couple. My world becomes all about them. I lose sense of myself, morphing into what I think they want me to be, and become needy and paranoid.

Although, maybe I always behaved that way because I had no sense of who I was to begin with.

When the time is right I'll know. I'm in no rush.

Alright! Diet news time! Dah da da daaa!! Today was steak and leafy greens day. I had a few beef tips for breakfast, then grilled some for lunch and put it only a bed of organic baby romaine. No dressing, just the flavor from the freshly grilled tips (same for dinner) Yum! But ya know what? I haven't even really been that hungry. I know I need to eat so I am but I've had to cut my portion sizes way down because I just don't want to eat as much as I used to. SCORE! One more day of the cabbage soup diet (brown rice and vegetables) then the final weigh in for the Biggest Loser! Then...pasta and booze! HAH! I'm probably going to hate myself Saturday.

That's all for tonight folks. Time to go watch the Food Network and play on my phone. Be jealous!

Stacy + Beef Tips = Super Woman!

Today was a much better day then yesterday. I had some weakness and irritability at work in the morning, but then I ate my grilled beef tips and tomatoes and was a new woman! A coworker asked how they were and I responded,

"OMG they were fucking amazing!" To which she replied,

"Did you just use the F word to describe food?"

Yes. Yes I did!

Coming from someone who always ate just for the sake of eating, it's amazing how good food tastes when you're really hungry. I cooked the same thing for dinner and only ate about 2/3 of it. I couldn't believe I was full (and actually stopped eating) with so much left on my plate! If you're a food addict like me you know how hard it is to stop eating something delicious, no matter how full you are. Then you spend the rest of the night uncomfortable and lethargic. Why do we do this to ourselves? Hopefully my eating habits really are changing. A friend mentioned it takes 3 months for any habit to stick. I hope it continues this way once this week is over. I know it will never be effortless but eating healthy will be so much easier if it's not a struggle every day.

As most of you know, it was 86 degrees out today. In mid April! What's up with that?! So as I was getting dressed after my shower I decided to see if a pair of capris that had been sitting in my closet forever would fit, even though the size was smaller then what I'd been wearing. And they fit! I know all brands are different, but according to these specific jeans I've dropped 2 sizes! (I love you, capris!) And they're even a little loose in the back. Huzahh! I love small victories! And I am kind of grateful for my history of yo-yo dieting as I have a wide range of sizes in my closet. Not having to buy new clothes every couple of months only to discard them shortly there after definitely helps the budget.

This journey has been a great experience. I'm gaining confidence, inspiring people while being inspired by them and learning I'm not the only one out there with these thoughts and struggles.

THIS JUST IN! I am seriously considering doing the couch to 5k program. My friend Jenn wants to do it as well, and it would be great to have a partner. I was really hesitant when she first mentioned it since I have never been able to run more then like 50 feet in my life, but the program sounds pretty doable. Your first week you alternate between jogging 60 seconds and walking 90 for a total of 20 minutes. I think I can handle that! (I hope so anyway lol) Three 30 minute work outs a week for 9 weeks and supposedly I should be able to run 3.1 miles! I can't even imagine me running that far. But I've got nothing to lose but pounds! :)

Where's the beef?!

So after my riveting blogging session last night I wasn't able to fall asleep until about 1:30am. Which is pretty shitty since I had to get up for 4:30 to pack my lunch and get ready for work. And what do I wake up to? Under ripe bananas. On my banana and skim milk day. CRAP!

I texted my friend Leah (who is thankfully still up at the ungodly hour of 4:30am) ranting about how my freakin' bananas were still green and asking what I should eat instead? Well, after a couple deep breaths and a glass of skim milk (a little sad to get this worked up over a fruit) I went with the plan to eat the other fruits I had left over from days 1 and 2 and drink my milk. Whatever...I guess I'm following Stacy's Cabbage Soup Diet.

But tomorrow....I get steak! Wooo! I cut up a bunch of beef tips for the next 2 days and have them marinating in a sugar free balsamic vinaigrette. (That's probably not allowed on the diet, but there are only 5 calories in 2 tbsp compared to 100 in regular balsamic vinaigrette. And no sugar!) I made up a little bag of marinating tips to bring to work and grill, a great benefit of working in a kitchen! I'll have that pared with halved grape tomatoes seasoned with salt, pepper, and dried basil for both lunch and dinner. It sure beats strawberries and acorn squash!

As exciting as this is, there's been something even more exciting on my mind for the last couple of days. It consumes my thoughts. I'm allowing myself an all out cheat meal Friday night, and can't decide what to get! Should I get a bacon, ricotta, scallion pizza? A wimpy skimpy and peperoni pizza from Casserta's? What about Mexican? Thai?! Or Italian? Fettuccine alfredo and eggplant Parmesan are far from diet  friendly. Or should I get macaroni and cheese, an all time favorite? Do I want to cook myself, or go out? Do I really want to take the risk of feeling like complete crap (physically) afterwards? I had white chowder and clam cakes a few weeks ago and felt sick the rest of the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad my body isn't used to that type of food anymore but if my cheat day makes me sick that's not really all that fun.

It shouldn't be this hard to decide what your favorite meal is. I just LOVE food. And clearly am a carbaholic...

I guess it's a good way to stay on track this week though. I have something to look forward to. And I know you're not supposed to reward yourself with food, so I'm not considering this a reward. It's just the end of a long week, the end of the biggest loser, and I want a freakin delicious meal that I wouldn't normally be able to work into a healthy eating lifestyle.

Back to this silly cabbage soup diet. It's making me clumsy, weak, and irritable. My arms hurt from putting sheet pans in the dishwasher today (sad) and my back is killing me and I don't know why. And today after work I had the battle of the century with a brown paper bag. I bought some groceries and asked for a paper bag so I could add my lunch bag, left over food I'd brought to work, etc.. I get home and grab the back out of my back seat and during this 15 foot journey to my mail box I somehow lost my grip on it, dropped the bag and my container of soup and apple go rolling down my driveway into the street. Ok, no biggie. I pick it up, readjust the bag and make it to the mail box. I sort through all the junk and add that to the paper bag, which was apparently far too much for the bag to handle as when I went to pick it up again one of the handles ripped, then the rip traveled down the side, and finally the other handle broke. All before I took 2 steps. Mother F'er! It's not even good mail!! Swearing under my breathe I pick it all up and put it back in the bag. I grab it from the bottom this time and it feels sturdy. Then I take 1 step and bump into my mailbox and all the mail goes all over my lawn, again. This time I flat out swore out loud. After looking around to see if any neighbors are watching me in amusement (which thankfully there weren't) I put the bag on the ground, pick up the mail and give it another try. FAIL! This time the bottom fell out of the bag, leaving me standing looking down at all my food and mail at my feet. I almost walked away leaving everything right there by the road for whoever happened to walk by and grab it. "Take it! It's cursed!" Instead a let out a mighty "ARRGGG", gathered my belongings and made it into the house in a couple of trips.

That pretty much summed up my day right there. Clumsy, annoying and tedious. I really need to get out of the house and have a beer or something. Maybe I'll add that to my cheat meal!

On a more positive note my scale read 5lbs less this morning then it did Friday!! Now I don't officially count that since everyone's weight fluctuates throughout the week and Friday is my official weigh in day, but it's still a good sign that things are going well! Woot!

Well now I'm off to day dream about my cheat meal some more, and maybe read some of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Ah, the thrilling life of Stacy Q :)

Cabbage Soup Diet: Take 2

When I first started my new healthy lifestyle I decided to kick things off with a very restrictive diet my friend Leah had recommended. It is called the Cabbage Soup Diet. For one week you are allowed to eat as much cabbage soup as you'd like (the recipe and all the info can be found at www.cabbage-soup-diet.com) and other specific foods each day as follows:

• Day 1: All the fruit you'd like, except bananas
• Day 2: All the veggies you'd like, avoiding beans, corn and peas, and a baked potato with butter for dinner
• Day 3: All the fruit and veggies you'd like (minus the above restrictions)
• Day 4: Up to 8 bananas and all the skim milk you'd like
• Day 5: 10-20oz of beef (you can substitute chicken or fish if you don't like red meat) and up to 6 tomatoes (I think I ate one lol)
• Day 6: 2-3 steaks (or other protein) and leafy greens
• Day 7: 2 cups of brown rice and all the veggies you'd like

You can drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, water, or unsweetened fruit juice (in moderation)

Sounds a little crazy I know.  But I wanted to dive head first into the whole diet thing and break my poor eating habits instead of trying to make healthy choices on my own. As some of you know I work in the prepared foods department at Dave's Marketplace. I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by delicious unhealthy food. To make matters worse the bakery department shares the same area as the kitchen and for someone with a sweet tooth the temptations are endless! Muffins (only 56g of fat per muffin!), danish, cookies, butter coated provolone cheese rolls, general tso's chicken, macaroni and cheese (my fav!)....ARG!

So anyway, despite being slightly miserable a few days out of the week and getting some headaches I completed the diet and lost 12.5lbs! In one week! Now my company is currently doing a Biggest Loser competition. The person who loses the biggest percentage of weight wins $1000, and the store with the biggest percentage overall gets a night out on the town (I'm still not sure what that includes but I won't turn it down!) This is the final week of the competition, so what did I decide to do? The Cabbage Soup Diet again...

Why did I do this? haha

Today was day 3 and I haven't cheated, besides having a sugar free red bull today (the caffeine withdrawals were getting to me) but boy am I cranky! I don't know if it's the lack of sugar and caffeine, or the fact that I've only eaten 2 cups of fruit and a bowl of cabbage soup all day but man, don't cross me today! Hopefully it will all be worth it. I'm not even in the top 5 for the individual winner but my store is in the lead and I want to keep it that way! Besides, I want to take advantage of the motivation the competition gives me while I still can.

Tomorrow is banana and milk day, and my bananas are still green. Damn it! Last time I made a banana smoothie for breakfast and added a little almond and vanilla extracts. (That's probably not allowed but come on, only plain bananas and milk all day? No thanks.) I don't know what I'll do if my bananas don't magically ripen over night. Dave's bananas are always under ripe and I have to be at work before Stop & Shop opens. (Yay 6am shifts!) Tomorrow may be another cranky day. But it may make for an interesting entry!

A gloomy (yet hopeful) introduction.

So, I've decided to start my first blog. I plan to use it as a way to vent and express my thoughts and experiences on a variety of subjects such as weight issues, depression, and day to day annoyances. I've never been very good at verbally communicating my feelings so I hope this will be a therapeutic way to share myself with whomever is interested, or even just to help me process my own emotions by putting it into text.

Those of you reading this will know me to varying degrees, so here is a little background.

I'm 26 years old. I bought my first home in 2009 where I live with my beagle Lillie. I have struggled with my weight, self esteem, and depression my whole life. I honestly can't remember when my last battle with depression began, but I reached an all time low after breaking up with a boyfriend 8 months ago. My insecurities had sabotaged the relationship and once it was over I knew I couldn't go on living the way I was. I hated myself. I was paranoid and needy. I couldn't look in the mirror without being disgusted. I felt unworthy of love, like a failure to myself and my family. My social life, which had revolved around my boyfriend, was nonexistent as I secluded myself from anyone close to me. This wasn't how I wanted to live my life.

That break up was the best thing that has ever happened to me...

I finally swallowed my pride (because for some strange reason I felt seeking help was a sign of weakness for someone with a pretty easy life and no traumatic experiences) and called a therapist. It's been a rocky road, and I still have issues to work through but I finally feel alive. Like I am living my life for the first time. And Hey! I actually like myself now. Imagine that!

I feel like I got a fresh start. For far too long I simply morphed to the version of myself I thought my current boyfriend would like. Now I'm on the journey of finding all the pieces that make up who I truly am and I am secure enough with myself to be the me I've always hidden for fear of rejection.

A major contributing factor to my life long low self esteem has been my weight. I've always been over weight (obese by medical standards) and as much as my mom tried to get me into sports and took me to nutrition classes I used food as a coping mechanism for boredom, sadness, nervousness...you name it. And as I got older I added alcohol and marijuana as ways to avoid dealing with my emotions and to escape from reality. These both deepened my depression, and caused more pounds to pile on. In January I had had enough! I made a commitment to lose weight, get healthy, learn to deal with my emotions and stop letting my poor body image keep me from being the person I want to be and living the life I want to live.

Now that all the depressing stuff is out of the way, here's some good stuff! :)

I have cut my drinking back from drinking almost nightly, to maybe once a week in social situations.
I have stopped smoking weed.
Since January 1, I have lost 37lbs!
I would like to lose 65 more to reach my goal weight.

So, that's where I've come from, where I am, and where I hope to be. Feel free to follow me on my journey to a better me. A better life.