So, I've decided to start my first blog. I plan to use it as a way to vent and express my thoughts and experiences on a variety of subjects such as weight issues, depression, and day to day annoyances. I've never been very good at verbally communicating my feelings so I hope this will be a therapeutic way to share myself with whomever is interested, or even just to help me process my own emotions by putting it into text.
Those of you reading this will know me to varying degrees, so here is a little background.
I'm 26 years old. I bought my first home in 2009 where I live with my beagle Lillie. I have struggled with my weight, self esteem, and depression my whole life. I honestly can't remember when my last battle with depression began, but I reached an all time low after breaking up with a boyfriend 8 months ago. My insecurities had sabotaged the relationship and once it was over I knew I couldn't go on living the way I was. I hated myself. I was paranoid and needy. I couldn't look in the mirror without being disgusted. I felt unworthy of love, like a failure to myself and my family. My social life, which had revolved around my boyfriend, was nonexistent as I secluded myself from anyone close to me. This wasn't how I wanted to live my life.
That break up was the best thing that has ever happened to me...
I finally swallowed my pride (because for some strange reason I felt seeking help was a sign of weakness for someone with a pretty easy life and no traumatic experiences) and called a therapist. It's been a rocky road, and I still have issues to work through but I finally feel alive. Like I am living my life for the first time. And Hey! I actually like myself now. Imagine that!
I feel like I got a fresh start. For far too long I simply morphed to the version of myself I thought my current boyfriend would like. Now I'm on the journey of finding all the pieces that make up who I truly am and I am secure enough with myself to be the me I've always hidden for fear of rejection.
A major contributing factor to my life long low self esteem has been my weight. I've always been over weight (obese by medical standards) and as much as my mom tried to get me into sports and took me to nutrition classes I used food as a coping mechanism for boredom, sadness, nervousness...you name it. And as I got older I added alcohol and marijuana as ways to avoid dealing with my emotions and to escape from reality. These both deepened my depression, and caused more pounds to pile on. In January I had had enough! I made a commitment to lose weight, get healthy, learn to deal with my emotions and stop letting my poor body image keep me from being the person I want to be and living the life I want to live.
Now that all the depressing stuff is out of the way, here's some good stuff! :)
I have cut my drinking back from drinking almost nightly, to maybe once a week in social situations.
I have stopped smoking weed.
Since January 1, I have lost 37lbs!
I would like to lose 65 more to reach my goal weight.
So, that's where I've come from, where I am, and where I hope to be. Feel free to follow me on my journey to a better me. A better life.
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