From Fruit Ninja to Cardio Ninja! (or something like that)

I just spent so much time playing fruit ninja on my phone my finger hurts...

I know, I know. I need a better pass time. Or at least a better game to play. And although making Lillie do her little hoppy dance by looking at her while I'm eating (Leah, Tiana, you know which dance I'm talking about!) it's not cutting the cheddar any more.

So I'm going to do it. The couch to 5k running plan! I went over to Bob's Store after work and bought myself a pair of sweet ass black and hot pink Nike's (hands down the best color combo) so at least my feet will look awesome even if I'm making an ass of myself. It's always been a secret, seemingly unattainable dream of mine to be able to run. I always looked at runners and felt envious of them. Effortlessly gliding across the pavement, sun on their face, wind in their hair. Even the not so fit or graceful runners I envied for having the courage to get out and do it! Well now it doesn't seem quite so unattainable. If I've been able to accomplish the things I have in the last 8 months, I can learn to run.  Especially if that 60 year old man in the short shorts and tucked in tank top can do it! ::cringes::

Anywho...I'm starting tomorrow and I'm pretty scared. All I keep thinking about is being back in 8th and 9th grade and having to do the mile run for gym class and refusing to even try because I didn't want everyone to laugh at me for my body jiggling or my face getting beet red as I sucked wind. So instead I pretended I was one of those "too cool for gym" kids and walked it instead, accepting a C in the class. Fear of failure and rejection is something that has crippled me in almost every aspect of my life; my career, making friends, meeting NICE guys, perusing and excelling at singing, trying new things... A coworker of mine is leaving everything behind and moving to CA. Oh, how I envy him so. I could never leave the safety of Warwick RI in search of a new and better life, or at the very least an awesome adventure. I shouldn't say that. The OLD me couldn't have. Maybe the new me can. :)

Speaking of guys, (not a very smooth transition I know) a few friends of mine have recently expressed their concerns about never being able to find a decent guy who will love them. Afraid their appearance makes them sub-par in the eyes of men, that they don't deserve to be loved. Believe me, I've been there and it's a shitty place to be. No matter how many times you declare to yourself  "If the guy is worth it, he won't care what I look like!" you never really fully believe it. It's just a nice thought for a wonderful world full of unicorns and rainbows, and as anyone can tell you...unicorns don't exist. (Sorry to burst your bubble)

I'm not saying all men are shallow by any means, but if YOU don't think you're attractive enough, it is going to effect the type of men you chose and how you act in a relationship. Because you feel so poorly of yourself you'll settle for guys far below what you deserve and put up with unnecessary bullshit because somewhere you believe you must deserve it. Then because this guy doesn't make you feel like you are loved and appreciated your self esteem gets worse, and the viscous cycle rolls on.

I'm happy to say I'm past all that. I'm done basing my self worth on whether I have a boyfriend or not, or my self image on whether they want me or not. And I'd rather be alone then settle for less then I deserve...again. I've made friends with myself and I would never allow a friend to put up with some of the shotty guys I've dated in the past. I'm not saying I dated horrible abusive douche bags (ok, maybe one) but most of them didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated. And not anywhere as good as I treated them. The one guy who did treat me right I threw to the curb because I clearly didn't realize what I had in him. I'm a good person with a lot of love to give and if you can't show me the same love in return, don't waste my time.

I'm completely content being single. I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy a "friend" but I'm all set with the whole couple thing for now. I don't like who I become when I'm part of a couple. My world becomes all about them. I lose sense of myself, morphing into what I think they want me to be, and become needy and paranoid.

Although, maybe I always behaved that way because I had no sense of who I was to begin with.

When the time is right I'll know. I'm in no rush.

Alright! Diet news time! Dah da da daaa!! Today was steak and leafy greens day. I had a few beef tips for breakfast, then grilled some for lunch and put it only a bed of organic baby romaine. No dressing, just the flavor from the freshly grilled tips (same for dinner) Yum! But ya know what? I haven't even really been that hungry. I know I need to eat so I am but I've had to cut my portion sizes way down because I just don't want to eat as much as I used to. SCORE! One more day of the cabbage soup diet (brown rice and vegetables) then the final weigh in for the Biggest Loser! Then...pasta and booze! HAH! I'm probably going to hate myself Saturday.

That's all for tonight folks. Time to go watch the Food Network and play on my phone. Be jealous!