Food & Boys. My Two Favorite Things!

 I finished my garden! (Minus a small corner because I had run out of newspaper. Again!) It needs some more plants, but it's a huge improvement from what it looked like before I started working on it. I wish I had taken a "before" picture.

Tex-Mex Turkey Burrito

Last weekend was a big 3 day weekend for everyone, and I spent a good part of all three days at work. Hooray! That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy myself however. Friday night after finishing laying down the mulch, a friend and I made dinner and watched Water for Elephants. It was a great movie!! I want to read the book now. For dinner I wanted to make something healthy so I made Tex-Mex Turkey Tacos! The recipe calls for beef, but I chose to use turkey. And the only tortillas I had were 12 inch so they were a little bigger then a taco, but still delicious! Yum! I've been putting the left over mix on top of lettuce and eating it for lunch.

Greek Pasta Salad

 Sunday I went to a cookout and had far too much to drink. I paid for it dearly during my entire 9 hour shift on Monday. But I got to make my favorite pasta salad and everyone seemed to love it. I'm glad I remembered how to make it since I never write any recipes down. I used wheat pasta, fat free feta and light olive oil and vinegar dressing. Pasta salad without all the heavy mayo? Yes please. (I'll just pretend I didn't wash it down with a couple cupcakes)

Today I tried Zumba for the first time. It was fun, and quite a work out, but boy did I feel silly. I had two left feet, my arms were flailing around and yea, it wasn't pretty. I definitely caught on to kick boxing much easier, but I'm not going to give up. It'll get easier as I learn the moves. Tomorrow I'm going kayaking! I can't wait. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time and a friend has an extra one so we're going to go out on the Pawtuxet River tomorrow. I better go buy sunglasses and sunscreen in preparation...

I'm thinking of joining an online dating site thing. I've always had a negative opinion of them but the majority of single guys I know now are either too young, unmotivated, douche bags or just...not right for me. I don't know how else I'd really meet anyone. I'm certainly not interested in trying to find anyone through the bar scene and all of my friends are married, engaged or living with their bf or gf. That doesn't leave me with too many avenues to explore. I don't NEED a relationship but it would be nice to feel crazy about someone again and know they're crazy about me too. A friend, a lover, someone to enjoy life with. I'm not in a rush I just think maybe I should be putting forth some effort instead of expecting someone to fall in my lap. Meh...we'll see.

On another note, I've been taking much better care of myself. My eating is still on and off but I started stretching everything morning and night again and really want to try new forms of exercise. Even just stretching makes a huge difference in how I feel. I'm not as stiff and achy and I just feel younger. It's amazing how 5 minutes twice a day can make such a huge difference. Tomorrow I weigh in and I'm hoping I'll be back to where I was at the end of the Biggest Loser competition. I'll try to remember to write tomorrow about my kayaking trip and weigh in.

Kicking Ass All Day Long!

Today was pretty awesome.

My newspaper garden

I was determined to finish my garden and step one was to cover everything in 4-5 layers of wet newspaper. My friend Chris had given me 15-20 Providence Journals thinking that would be more then enough. Well, it ended up taking an additional 23 on top of that! What a friggin' pain in the ass! My hose conveniently leaks from the spigot in two places and from a spot in the hose itself making it pretty much useless, unless my goal is to make a muddy swamp next to my house (which it isn't. maybe a moat would be cool though...) so I had to get buckets of water and wet each section of news paper one at a time. Uck!

I gave up when I was still a few feet away from the fence because I had to get the mulch down before I had to leave for kickboxing class. That went much more quickly and easily. But alas, I didn't have enough of that either! The 8 bags I bought only covered about half of it. GAH! I hope I can find the same brand tomorrow so it's all the same color. I just dumped more buckets of water on the remaining exposed newspaper (I bet my neighbors are thinking "What the fuck is that crazy lady doing in her garden?!") because if it blew away in the night I think I would have a nervous break down. No lie. Tomorrow it will be done and look awesome!

After a hard days work, and before a tough workout I made myself baked salmon and had is with my leftover quinoa salad and some organic baby greens. Amazingly delicious and healthy!

 

Kickboxing class was awesome! I took it at Evolutionary Sports in West Warwick. It's something I always wanted to try but was always too afraid to do. I figured I'd be so out of shape I'd make an ass of myself and people would look at me like I'm pathetic. But a friend's sister got me to go with her and it was a great experience. There were all fitness levels and ages there, the instructor explained everything and I didn't feel intimidated or judged at all! I guess the instructor went easy on us tonight, but I think I could have handled a bit more intensity. Maybe... I'm looking forward to going back. It's going to be fun to punch and kick out my aggression! Mwahaha! I highly recommend it.

I haven't felt this good in months! (Uh, maybe that's because you got exercise Stacy! DUH!) Tomorrow I scrub the deck then power wash it, and finish the garden. Hopefully I won't be completely useless between the back breaking gardening (if you could call it that) and kickboxing class.

The Plants Should be Growing. Not Me!

I've been off track with my healthy life style for a good month now and I've gained 5lbs. Booo! I can't seem to get myself back on track with food! Work kills me. I constantly catch myself eating things and saying to myself "This isn't even good!" as I take another bite. I plan healthy meals and pack lunches, but then I eat pizza or other crap food on top of the healthy stuff! Whhhyyyy?!

People keep complimenting me, and it's great but I can't help but think of all the things I've been doing wrong any time someone says something positive. Like, "Oh Stacy you look great!" and I think "Yea right. I've gained 5lbs and eat like shit." That's not healthy. One of my coworkers didn't recognize me from behind the other day and almost asked who the new girl was. Now that's a pretty awesome compliment! But still all I thought about were the things I was doing wrong.

I felt so much better when I was eating healthy and exercising! I know this and tell myself this but....sigh...

My social life has been kind of wacky. Full of awesomeness and terrible things at the same time. I'm reconnecting with old friends, discovering new friends, and seeing ugly sides of people I wish I never saw. I seem to want to fall into old habits as I reconnect with old friends, and seeing the dark side of someone you trusted is always emotional. And what do I do when I'm emotional? That's right children, I eat! I'm a textbook case of an emotional eater.


The good news is I'm super motivated to whip my yard into shape. (at least I'm motivated to do something, right?) I feel like I've been talking about it forever but the weather hasn't been cooperating with me when I have had free time. But I have the next 2 days off and I am dedicating them both to my yard!! I bought myself a potted plant. I'm determined not to kill it as I have had a black thumb in the past. I feel like my "want-to-do" list is endless. I need to focus on one job at a time or I'll have 10 projects started and none finished.

 

I can't wait until I'm satisfied and can relax on my hammock :)

 

View from my hammock

Oh, Girls and Their Scented Candles

Operation "Don't have the worst looking yard on the block" is complete! 

Ohhhh days off are wonderful. After working 10 shifts in 9 days straight work was starting to consume my soul. Or at least my dreams. I knew I was in trouble when I dreamed I was having a hot bar cleaning competition with Bill, a dance off with Ron in the walk in, and yelling at an ex coworker for goofing off and letting the hot bar food become submerged in water. (?) The dreams may not have been nightmares, but I woke up screaming.

After work yesterday I enjoyed a lovely evening consisting of Mario 1, Super Mario Kart, Mario Kart Wii some popcorn and diet soda. Yep, it was fabulous. Best night I've had in a while. I stayed up late, slept until 11:30 and didn't feel guilty! Then it was time to hit the yard. It's only early spring, but I'd like to share some things I've learned about yard work.

Obvious advise and observations from a yard work novice

• If you have a yard with large patches of dirt and it hasn't rained in a while, don't get your car washed right before you decide to mow your lawn/dirt. It won't stay clean.
• Given the same situation, it is also advised to close the windows of your car and home. Unless you would like a layer of dirt on everything you own.
• Remember, yard work is a lot like painting. It always takes 3x longer then you think it is going to and becomes far more of a pain in the ass then you imagined.
• Unlike painting, the majority of your yard work efforts only last a week, especially if you have 8 large oak trees.
• Wear sunscreen. Just because it's only 60 degrees out doesn't mean you won't get burned. 
• I can't walk in a straight line. 
• Wear gardening gloves even when you are raking and mowing the lawn. Unless you enjoy having calluses and peeling skin on the palms of your hands.

Anywho...I also got my shed cleaned up and organized today. I discovered I have 2 snow shovels and 3 rakes. Why?! Do I just think, "Hmm, I need a rake! I must not have the one I used last year, so I'll go buy another!" And that folks is why they call it dope...

After a drink on my deck sitting at my freshly cleaned patio set, a couple friends and I had dinner at Applebee's and then went to Yankee Candle. Now most people who enjoy scented candles can agree Yankee is the best! I find myself buying cheap scented candles from time to time because who has $28 to drop on a candle on a whim? Not me. But I am always disappointed by them and end up going back to Yankee. Let me tell you, I got a deal today! Large jars were buy one, get one half off, then if you spent $50 you could get a tote bag filled with items for only $20. I bought my jarred candles and the tote bag expecting some cheap left over items from last season that no one bought. But I was quite mistaken! I got a medium jar candle, a small jar candle, 2 small non jar candles (I don't know their real name), a plug in air freshener, multiple car air fresheners, room sprays, deodorizers...all sorts of goodies in scents I had been considering for purchase anyway. My home smells like a Meyer lemony meadow shower! Oh, girls and their scented candles... 

Well, that was my riveting day off. Tomorrow I go to the eye doctors because I desperately need new contacts and I think I'll shop for glasses as well. I love my Prada frames and they have lasted me 3 years with no issues, but I think it's time for them to retire. We shall see. ..har har SEE! Cuz I'm getting glasses! Get it?!

"Little Debbie" Downer

I don't know what's been up with me this week. I'm so down on myself. Perhaps it's due to the fact that all I've been doing is working? But even so, why haven't I been taking time to do things I want to do? Besides having a couple people over Wednesday I can't even remember what I've done all week besides work, dishes and vacuum. That's kind of sad. I seem to have lost all interest in trying to lose weight and get in shape, but why? I felt so great seeing the pounds fall off, hearing the compliments from coworkers and I felt great physically too! Exercising will always boost your energy level, but even if I wasn't exercising I still felt so much better eating healthy foods and a lot less food. It felt so great to go to bed and feel light, and almost empty. I know all this, and I tell myself all this, yet I continue to fill my face out of boredom, loneliness or because I'm down. I'm falling back into my rut of being an emotional eater.

I did lose a pound this week, but I don't know how. I'm probably just dehydrated or something. I start each day with a plan and a menu and I haven't stuck to that plan in a good 2 weeks, ever since the biggest loser ended. Last night at work I had my healthy dinner planned out with all my calories logged ahead of time and yet I hung around munching on pizza samples I didn't even like and eating pizza logs instead. I know your wondering wtf a pizza log is. Well, it's basically a pizza egg roll. They are filled with sauce, cheese and pepperoni in an egg roll type wrapper and deep fried. Yea, not healthy. And not even that good!! As I'm going for my 3rd I'm thinking to myself "WHY AM I EATING THESE?!" But I still did it. At the end of the night a coworker says "Uh oh! Stacy's cheating on her diet!" I wanted to cry and yell out "I know I am! I suck! I'm sorry!!" Hell, I'm even crying now.

I try not to beat myself up and keep saying, "Tomorrow is a new day", "Any healthy choices I did make are still better then nothing" But every "new" day has just been the same. I keep letting myself  down. Trying to ignore myself while I'm doing what I'm doing. But you can't ignore yourself, no matter how hard you may try. I feel weak and pathetic. And those feelings make me want to go eat a big bowl of macaroni and cheese (my ultimate comfort food) and pretend not to be even more disappointed with myself afterwards.

Days when I feel like this work is torture. And I have a feeling today is really going to be awful. I'm so down today, and I have to work the Friday night pizza shift. Friday nights are always busy and when I'm down I tend to get overwhelmed and angry very easily. But besides that, I'll have unlimited access to pizza for 8 hours with the ability to make any kind of pizza I can dream up. I don't think I have the strength today, but I don't have any other choice but to try.

I guess the question to ask is why I'm down in the first place. What is causing me to want to eat? What emotions am I trying to bury? Loneliness, boredom, feeling inadequate and like I'm not important, like I'm only desirable when no one else is around, a last resort. Feelings which come and go and refer to many different situations. And the longer I allow those feelings to cause me to be unproductive or eat unhealthy then feelings of worthlessness, weakness and disappointment are piled on top. So why do I continue this pattern? Why don't a change the situations I do have control over? ...I don't know.

Well, off to work now...

New Clothes Rule

I started this Friday afternoon with every intention of finishing it later that night. Then my computer was being an asshole for a few days so I'm finally getting back to it today.

Friday's are my official weigh in day. I gained 3lbs since last week. But I'm fine with that since earlier this week I had gained 9lbs. That bring me to a total of 43lbs lost since January.

Last night before going to bed I had all intentions of being very productive today and wrote a decent sized "to do" list on my white board. I woke up feeling like I got hit my a truck. My head hurt, my shoulders hurt, I was cranky and I had no coffee. Not good. I went out to grab a coffee from Dunkin' and somehow ended up in Old Navy looking for a dress to wear to a baby shower. That's where the productivity train slammed into a fuel truck which had stalled on the tracks and erupted into a ball of flames (no casualties reported).

I hadn't shopped at Old Navy for quite some time, and last time I was there I wore the largest size they carried, and sometimes even that was too tight. So I started looking at some dresses, looking for the same size I'd always worn (except when I lost 75lbs like 4 years ago. Yea I'm that much of a yo-yo dieter) and none of the styles I liked were in my size. So I go back to doing what I've always had to do. Shopping based on size instead of style. ANY dress or skirt I saw I would first check to see if they had my size, and if they did then I would check it out and see if I liked it or not.

If any of you out there have had to do this yourself, you know how much it blows. It's difficult, if not impossible to develop your own style when you have to shop this way. My whole life there have been maybe 5 stores in the mall that carried my size. Two of them carried clothes I would actually want to wear. One of them was exclusively plus size clothing and the other, Old Navy, would offer maybe 20% of their clothes in my size, and even then it wasn't offered in all the different colors. Shopping by size was really the only option, because if you shopped based on what you liked, it would most likely be a constant string of disappointments.

Using my "shop by size" strategy I got increasingly discouraged as I was only able to find a couple things that I'd wear. I didn't LOVE them, one dress I didn't even LIKE, but they were the right size. Or so I thought... I can't describe how excited I got when I tried on those few items and they were too big! This meant the selection of clothes I had to chose from went from a few, to almost the entire store!! I ended up trying on much more then just dresses and was pretty amazed how much better I looked in clothes that fit me, instead of the over sized long sleeved shirt I had come in. I also made an effort to get some color in my wardrobe as the majority of it is black, blue and red. It was a surprising success.

Here's a pic of me that night sporting some of my new threads. Hooray for color!

I probably had much more to say about that, but I don't remember now. But I do know that come Saturday, the day of the baby shower, it ended up being 40 degrees out and I didn't even get to wear my new outfit! Damn it!

I haven't been doing very well with dieting and exercising. After my awful second C25K workout I haven't tried again. And while I start every day with the intention of eating well, this weekend was a bust.  Lots of beer on Friday, a yummy breakfast with bacon, homefries and cake at the baby shower Saturday, then pizza for dinner, and I don't remember Sunday but it probably wasn't good either. I have stayed on track the last 2 days but I need to get my butt back out there and exercise! I felt so good! And the feeling I got trying on new clothes is better then any food tastes, but...I dont know. I just haven't been able to listen to my own reason.

Today however, is a new day. I already worked 6-2 this morning and now I'm on a break until going back in 4-9. I had planned everything I was going to eat today before I left the house this morning. And minus a couple beef tips at work I've stuck to it. So, here's to a good night, and a better tomorrow.

PS I've missed you so much blog! Don't leave me again!