I don't know what's been up with me this week. I'm so down on myself. Perhaps it's due to the fact that all I've been doing is working? But even so, why haven't I been taking time to do things I want to do? Besides having a couple people over Wednesday I can't even remember what I've done all week besides work, dishes and vacuum. That's kind of sad. I seem to have lost all interest in trying to lose weight and get in shape, but why? I felt so great seeing the pounds fall off, hearing the compliments from coworkers and I felt great physically too! Exercising will always boost your energy level, but even if I wasn't exercising I still felt so much better eating healthy foods and a lot less food. It felt so great to go to bed and feel light, and almost empty. I know all this, and I tell myself all this, yet I continue to fill my face out of boredom, loneliness or because I'm down. I'm falling back into my rut of being an emotional eater.
I did lose a pound this week, but I don't know how. I'm probably just dehydrated or something. I start each day with a plan and a menu and I haven't stuck to that plan in a good 2 weeks, ever since the biggest loser ended. Last night at work I had my healthy dinner planned out with all my calories logged ahead of time and yet I hung around munching on pizza samples I didn't even like and eating pizza logs instead. I know your wondering wtf a pizza log is. Well, it's basically a pizza egg roll. They are filled with sauce, cheese and pepperoni in an egg roll type wrapper and deep fried. Yea, not healthy. And not even that good!! As I'm going for my 3rd I'm thinking to myself "WHY AM I EATING THESE?!" But I still did it. At the end of the night a coworker says "Uh oh! Stacy's cheating on her diet!" I wanted to cry and yell out "I know I am! I suck! I'm sorry!!" Hell, I'm even crying now.
I try not to beat myself up and keep saying, "Tomorrow is a new day", "Any healthy choices I did make are still better then nothing" But every "new" day has just been the same. I keep letting myself down. Trying to ignore myself while I'm doing what I'm doing. But you can't ignore yourself, no matter how hard you may try. I feel weak and pathetic. And those feelings make me want to go eat a big bowl of macaroni and cheese (my ultimate comfort food) and pretend not to be even more disappointed with myself afterwards.
Days when I feel like this work is torture. And I have a feeling today is really going to be awful. I'm so down today, and I have to work the Friday night pizza shift. Friday nights are always busy and when I'm down I tend to get overwhelmed and angry very easily. But besides that, I'll have unlimited access to pizza for 8 hours with the ability to make any kind of pizza I can dream up. I don't think I have the strength today, but I don't have any other choice but to try.
I guess the question to ask is why I'm down in the first place. What is causing me to want to eat? What emotions am I trying to bury? Loneliness, boredom, feeling inadequate and like I'm not important, like I'm only desirable when no one else is around, a last resort. Feelings which come and go and refer to many different situations. And the longer I allow those feelings to cause me to be unproductive or eat unhealthy then feelings of worthlessness, weakness and disappointment are piled on top. So why do I continue this pattern? Why don't a change the situations I do have control over? ...I don't know.
Well, off to work now...
I do the same things and feel the same ways and I don't know, either. I hope that's somewhat consolation. The best I can say is that bad feelings feed off of other bad feelings (I know you know this) and it's so hard for us to help ourselves stop our bad patterns. One of the biggest things that helps me when I'm fasting is weekly meetings. I know you don't have this but you DO have this blog for a sense of community and a way to both be part of a group with a common goal and get out of your own head which will always send you spiraling downward, no matter how great and smart you are (and you are). If I had the time, I'd come in tonight and do a little dance for you in front of the pizzas to cheer you up. Though, even saying that, I'm thinking, "PIZZA!!!" and I wonder - How do you do it??? I can't even imagine how difficult it is to deal with food nevermind at work - FOR work. At least give yourself props for THAT! :)
ReplyDeleteHaha that would have been pretty hilarious. Luckily (and not so luckily) it was crazy busy all night so I didn't have any time to snack on unhealthy food. I got about a 10 minute slow patch which was just enough time to make a turkey wrap and eat 3/4 of it. The rest was non stop pizza making. I'm sure I burned a ton of calories too.
DeleteAnd I don't know how I do it, working around food and dieting. I don't always. haha One benefit is that even though the majority of the food there is very unhealthy, I do have an entire grocery store at my disposal to buy healthy things and a full kitchen to cook anything I bring in or buy myself. It's not nearly as easy or cheap as munching on whatever's around but the options are there. And I also have great coworkers who know I'm trying to lose weight and will yell at me if they see me cheating. Those same coworkers stand there and eat birthday cake and brownies while I drool and cry watching them, but hey. It is what it is. lol
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI just ran across you blog after I typed, "diet derailed by scale" in the google search box. You sound just like me. I am a yoyo dieter of the century. I am 212 pounds and trying to lose 40 pounds by the end of summer. ( No reason, just a deadline I set for myself) Anyway, all this week I was doing great. I worked out burning over 1000 calories each day and eating my 1300 calories. I was pumped, so I decided to go on the scale on Thursday and it said I GAINED .06 pounds!! Well I got very discouraged and wondered why the scale was moving in the opposite direction? Well had I taken the time to think I would have known that it was probably muscle and not fat but I decided to kill my diet yesterday. I ate KFC grilled chicken, biscuit and I had about 6 cookies. But I am back on track today 5/6. I will stay posted to your blog.
Good luck with your goals! And if you are burning that maybe calories each workout maybe your body needed a little KFC chicken. haha We can do this!
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